Thanks for reading and you hang in there (-: 

Kim Cooper

If you can relate to my story I want to reach out to you today and help you  move past these troubled emotional times you are facing and into a life filled with love and respect.

I also worried that it might take something bad happening to one of our kids (who deep down I knew Steve loved) before he would wake up to how cold hearted and irresponsible he had become.

I was ashamed of all the times I had lost my temper and I hid a secret fear that maybe there was something wrong with me that made me unlovable and that I would never truly be loved by anyone.

I used to worry that I was too controlling, but I also felt our life was completely out of control. I feared that something needed to change or things would undoubtably end in disaster.

At that stage we had been fighting for 10 years and Steve had become so hard hearted and callous that I searched endlessly for something to soften his heart so that he might see how much he was hurting us. I felt completely frustrated and tortured by the thought of  how easy it would be for him to look at what he was doing and decide to love us more and make things better. I felt all the power was in his hands.

Steve and I now have one of the best marriages I know of, but there was a time when I longed for a hero to rescue me from the hell that our marriage had become. I would lie awake at night wondering how I had let myself get so tangled up in the mess we were in. Back then it hardly seemed possible that I would ever be able to break free of the heart ache and pain.

Hi my name is Kim Cooper and my husbands name is Steve and you may know us from “The Love Safety Net,” our popular online radio show. Today I want to share some of our history, which I believe will help if you are having problems with fighting and/or abuse in your family or marriage.

In my heart I was afraid that our marriage was leading to either the mental hospital or bankruptcy (or both)!

Do you sometimes worry that everyone will reject you because of the shameful mess your marriage has become? Well the solutions I have to offer are not easy, but there is a way for you to move past this and when you subscribe to our free email list I look forward to sharing with you the steps that I took.

You may find it hard to believe right now, but the amazing thing is, whether the fights are with your partner or with your parents or kids, your own actions and not theirs are the key to your answers.

This understanding can be confusing, empowering and scary all at once. How can it be that the solution for all the bad behavior in your family rests only with you? Does this mean you are to blame?

Not at all.

The lighthouse keeper didn't create the storm, but does provide a clear beam of light that guides the ships through to safety.

It's tempting, when you are in despair, to feel helpless and choose the path of blame and defeat. Unfortunately, it is all too easy to focus on other people's faults and imagine the only way out is to either write this person off or else try and make them understand that they are the one that need to change.

 Chances are you have held onto that idea for quite a while now.  I know this because I held onto that idea for eight long years. I nearly became a broken record of blame asking Steve and my kids to change.

It didn't work from me then, and I can guarantee it's not going to work for you either.

I know because every scene of conflict in your family represents a system, with each member playing their part. Even if you only feel like a passive victim, well then victim is the role you actively play. 

It only takes ONE person to change their part in your family's drama and then the whole story can no longer play out the same.

The testimonials we have received from countless people in the past 4 years have confirmed what I learned myself from direct experience. That is that the tough work I did to shift my actions for the better is indeed what did transformed my marriage. I know this because tens of thousands of others have joined our website over the past four years and done the same. You can make this change too!

This is where the "empowerment" kicks in. You don't need to get the other members of your family to agree to the changes I am going to suggest. You don't need anyone to get "on board." In many ways, the less said about the steps I will suggest, the more effective you will be with this.

Your partner or kids may be so used to hearing you sounding off about their behavior that now it's what they expect. It may even be comfortable in some ways for them to hear this, as it just sounds like 'business as usual'. They will think they can simply ignore you and carry on.

My bet is they probably aren't even listening anymore and certainly won't be expecting you to take the initiative and change the rules!

I stopped thinking like a victim and instead started saying (to myself) "I am victorious!"

So finally,  here is the "scary" part. As I point out in our e-book Back From the Looking Glass (where I lay out the exact steps I took in detail), the actions we offer are simple but not easy.

What I mean by this is that they are easy to understand, but will take a level of application, persistence, strength, determination and sheer guts that you probably have never had to find in yourself before. To find this courage you may need to let the reality of the crisis you are now in sink in and then really dig deep inside yourself.

There is an Alexi Murdoch song called Shine and where he says "And you don't need strength to be strong". You will probably be very scared when you start implementing the steps we offer, but you need to know that this kind of fear is okay and is just because what you are doing will be new.

 You will see some rapid changes for the better, just from changing a few habits. Alongside this, you are going to need to be completely prepared for your situation to get worse before it gets better. By shifting the way you are acting and reacting, you will disrupt and eventually change your family system. In the beginning this can cause an escalation of the bad behavior, while your partner or child tries to pull you back into the old way of interacting and back into their comfort zone where they can continue to get away with their rudeness and crimes.

You will also need to stop protecting your family from the consequences of their bad behavior. In the beginning, this may look like you are the one making things worse. You need to be strong enough to allow those perceptions. You denying those consequences in the past has prevented the growth of wisdom and virtue in the people you care for the most. You will need to be ready to ride out this storm and hold on steady to your beacon of light.

As Steve and I discovered, the rewards at the end of this (sometime stormy) voyage are enormous. The love that you had despaired of ever receiving can bloom again anew in your family while your home becomes a nurturing source of strength, safety and healthy connection.

All the skills and tools are available to you right here on this site. Your total resolve and determination are the only other elements you need to build the lasting change you need.  

How do I know you are the key to change?