By Kim Cooper | July 31, 2013
Do You Sometimes Worry …
“Maybe the fighting is all my fault?”
If you live with someone who puts you down and insults you, as difficult as this problem is, we want to help you achieve peace and security in your home and your life. Take your time and read this page carefully as you will not find this information anywhere else.
Does Someone Close to You
Suffer From Narcissistic Personality Disorder?
Hi my name is Kim Cooper and today I want share some of my family’s history with you, which may help if you are having problems with chronic fighting in your family or your marriage.
“Our story involves narcissism or NPD (Narcissistic Personality Disorder) and we have gone public with our story to help you recognize and deal with this all too common problem.”
After years of us fighting, I was directed to information on-line which led me to suspect Steve was suffering from Narcissistic Personality Disorder (sometimes called Narcissism or NPD).
“When I talked to the professionals they said there was no cure and treated me like a fool for thinking Steve could get better. I was told outright that I should change the locks and divorce him.”
But in my heart I knew that leaving was the wrong thing to do. Even though Steve’s behaviour was hurting me I refused to abandon him.
I knew there had to be answers and sought as much professional help and advice as I could find, while studying as much as I could about psychology.
When none of that helped, at last I stumbled on the first of the steps that I would take that finally ended the fighting. That first clue meant I had to start my research all over again and at the same time I began to use trial and error.
People were still telling me I was stupid not to leave Steve and that we had no choice but to get divorced — but I was determined and had even become slightly hopeful that just maybe I could bring peace and security back to our lives.
So to begin sharing what I learned, first I need to tell you a little about narcissism, but you must understand that I am not saying this was all Steve’s fault. Later in my story you will also learn all about codependence (which was my role in our problems).
These are very common patterns of behavior which, just like us, I believe you can overcome.
Narcissistic Personality Disorder Looks Like This …
- Does your partner treat you (and your children) different in private than in public?
In public they may pretend they are the perfect husband, father, wife or mother (while still ignoring you and giving all their attention to others) …
While in private they are sarcastic, haughty and insulting and put people down (even their friends) behind their back.”
A person with symptoms of Narcissistic Personality Disorder will also show little or no regard for your well-being or feelings and may act like they are superior (and more popular) than you. They may often be cold, arrogant, withdrawn and unavailable and may show favoritism between their children.
“Their criticism, insults and lack of involvement or concern for your well-being and feelings may cause you and/or your children to feel rejected, hurt, humiliated, powerless, ashamed, and angry and can also lead to mental health and psychological problems and addictions within your family.”
This person will get angry when they are questioned and will believe they deserve things they haven’t worked for or earned. They will trade off other people’s honesty and hard work and lie and manipulate people for attention … while at the same time acting charming and perfect and making most people believe they are a wonderful mother or all round great guy.
“You may fear that people won’t believe you if you disclose how they talk to you in private – or share the terrible things they say behind people’s backs.”
Both Women and Men
Can Suffer from Narcissistic Personality Disorder …
I write from Steve and my experience, but women can suffer from Narcissistic Personality Disorder too; the statistics say more men than women suffer from unhealthy narcissism and our audience is about 70/30 women to men.
Female narcissists cause their husbands just as much pain and humiliation and just as much chaos and destruction in their lives.
“But it’s not black and white or men versus women. Most of us have narcissistic tendencies which can affect our relationships badly and learning to deal with Steve’s narcissism helped me face my own narcissistic side too. It is easy to see in others but much harder to see in ourselves.”
A narcissistic partner may also lie and paint a bad picture of you to their family and friends. They will do this to justify their own bad behaviour and try to gain sympathy while kidding themselves their lies are the truth.
“You may have no idea of all of the lies they are telling you and even worse the lies and exaggerations they may be telling others about you.”
If your partner creates fights when you try to discuss money, you should know that they may be hiding credit cards or money transactions from you. They will pretend these fights are your fault, and will try to cover their guilt by doing everything they can to put the blame on you.
Nearly all narcissists are obsessed with the fantasy of a perfect relationship, and are also skilled liars, so if the above symptoms describe your partner, you should be aware that they may have secret crushes or be having affairs, using pornography and/or conducting ‘cyber’ affairs with or without your knowledge … If you notice their mind often appears elsewhere, and they show other symptoms of this disorder, this may be the reason.
“Obsession with fantasy is part of what makes a person with narcissistic tendencies unavailable, impatient and angry and is a major symptom of this disorder. You may not want to consider this possibility, I know I didn’t believe it until the evidence was right in front of me … and then I was shattered.”
Not all narcissists are physically abusive, but it’s a significant indicator you may end up part of a violent marriage …
“The physical abuse is not always perpetrated by the narcissist either as it is normal to become very angry with someone who manipulates you and puts you down.”
After years of their insults, rudeness and having them blame you for everything wrong in their life, it’s even normal (especially if you discover that throughout all of this they have been cheating on you) for you to wish them harm or even wish them dead. This is obviously very serious and so getting (the right) help and support is very important, but can nearly be impossible to find. We care and are are here to help, so if you face these problems, please bookmark this page right now (so you will be sure to be able to find it later) and then please come back and continue reading.
“We want to see you moving past feeling resentful and wanting to punish you partner (or wanting revenge) to feeling secure and good about yourself and moving into a new time in your
life where you are loved, respected and valued in your community and in your home.”
If your partner is narcissistic there are people who will tell you that the only answer is to ‘leave and have no contact’, but this is very dangerous advice. This is exactly how to provoke and escalate rage and physical (and emotional) abuse and domestic violence in couples with these problems. It may also result in stalking. Even worse as the partner of a narcissist will often feel enraged at how callously their spouse can ‘cast them aside’, the perpetrator of the violence and stalking might be you!
“More people are killed or injured in domestic disputes when leaving their relationship (or in the two months after leaving) than at any other time.”
If you want to leave, please get our advice first on how to do this safely and how to get closure. You need to consider that setting up house somewhere else may put you on even less sure footing than you are already and is no guarantee that the fighting will cease or that you will be safer. Instead statistics show that it will often make the fighting worse.
Narcissism is blind to itself and so don’t expect your partner to see this or want to fix it. Instead we offer you training and skills that will help make you emotionally and physically safer and will help bring you love and respect in your home and community.
Confronting your partner with evidence they may have this disorder is NOT the solution
Do you sometimes worry that yourself or your partner will need years of therapy to get better? I once believed this was the only thing that would help Steve, but I was wrong and it was very different steps that turned our marriage around.
I struggled with this problem for years on my own and it was one of the hardest times of my life.
There is a lot of evidence that therapy is not successful in treating narcissistic personality disorder anyway — and so don’t worry – you won’t need to try and coerce your partner into therapy. Personality disorders are best helped with a reparative relationship. This is why we sometimes call our approach ‘parenting the adult’; Just as learning new parenting skills can help your child feel safe and learn better behaviour, you can learn new ways of responding and relating to your partner that will help de-escalate the fights.
Will you keep letting what your friends and family say direct your life? Everyone told me I should leave Steve, but when it comes to love you need to listen to your heart. I can’t tell you whether you should leave or stay, but I will give you solid advice either way.
I will share exactly what to do and I will give you each step in detail with all the common mistakes you should avoid.
I hope that sharing our experience will protect you from some of the mistakes we made and the bitter and nasty people I ran into when I first discovered Steve’s NPD. We have information you can put to use immediately and advice on how to find the right professionals to help.
I look forward to sharing the steps I took to fix our marriage even when everyone said it was hopeless.
“It took us a long time to go public with our story, but after things had been better with us for a few years we decided that we just couldn’t stay quiet any longer.”
We saw so many people suffering that we decided we just had to speak up. It was embarrassing at first, but getting thank you emails every day has more than made up for this.
The First Step
If you haven’t already – please subscribe to my email list. Once you do you will gain instant access to tons of free information and you will also get access to our introductory specials on our books. Your subscription is a portal to a world of information which if applied to your life will improve your relationships and help you move towards a new time of peace self confidence and emotional security.
Immediately after subscribing you will gain access to the (free) private pages which will give you 3 vital questions you need to answer to know if yourself or your partner have narcissistic tendencies. I will also share 3 things you need to stop doing immediately which only make the fighting worse. Your subscription will also give you access to lots more information – including a check list of points that will help you better see what narcissism (and codependence) look like.
All of this is completely free.
And if you have subscribed already – just enter the same details to see these private pages again (and once again become eligible for our introductory specials).
I also look forward to sharing what I have learned about codependence (which we prefer to call emotional dependence), which explains why some people are repeatedly attracted to people with Narcissistic Personality Disorder. Narcissism and Codependence are sometimes called ‘a dance’ (of destruction and despair) …
- Have you had difficulty forming happy and peaceful relationships?
- Has attracting lasting love been painful for you?
- Do you often feel emotionally neglected and in despair?
- Have you had more than one troubled relationship in your life?
I want to share with you how I put a stop to the abuse and learned how to stand up for myself better and how this changed everything for me and also helped Steve.