The Fastest Way to Build Attachment & Trust & Make Yourself Super Attractive
There is a danger for people getting started on our program that I want to warn you about today;
Don’t think you will be able to ‘fix‘ your husband or wife’s narcissism or codependence so that ‘hey presto’ they will then be available to love and fix you in return!
Because if you want to take an emotionally intelligent path to a better marriage, as unfair as it may sound, you will to need to work on building trust with your partner while you learn about loving and caring for yourself at the same time.
You cannot build trust with someone if really you just want them to take care of you in return. Doing so will make you impatient and lack judgement in what your partner truly needs from you. This is more likely to make them feel messed with than building trust and bringing them close.
This misunderstanding shows up in how many women I hear from who say challenging their man is the pillar (in the Love Safety Net Work Book) they have the most trouble with.
It seems many women think challenging their man is about asking him to do things to (emotionally) take care of her better.
Being good at setting challenges is the fastest way to build attachment and trust and will bring your partner close and make you super attractive 🙂 But it is NOT about nagging or asking your partner to take care of you.
I talk more about how to effectively set challenges for your partner in my members area today;
So true Kim, I found you about 18 months ago and I feel just like that…’please take care of me now’. it does feel unfair, especially as being the ‘fixer’you will have proabably had way too much responsibility in your life from a child and desperately want ‘just someone’ to look after you. Swallowing the pill that it isn’t ever going to happen is hard.
Hey Stef – Never say never 🙂 It is funny how once I thought that self love and care was somehow inferior to having someone else look after me. The first step in my recovery was this incredible strength and liberation I gained from realizing I could trust myself to do what was good for me. After that I was surprised when people started showing more interest and concern for me. I think as our own self worth increases it makes other people see us as more worthy.
I am really struggling with the concept of focusing on loving and caring for myself. After 13 years of marriage, it’s been horrific and emotionally devastating to me. I thought I was making good choices, I did everything the “right” way. If someone had told me when I first met my husband about all the things I would put up with, I would have laughed. The girl I used to be was confident and strong. It was the years of abuse, that broke me down slowly. It didn’t happen all at once. Like a frog in water that boils slowly to death. I didn’t even realize what was happening. I was too busy focusing on being a good wife and mother. So, he has now made some big changes, after I tried to leave him. He is trying. It’s been 3 1/2 years since his wake-up call. But now I don’t even care. I want to fix my marriage, but I can’t open up to him.
Hi Amy and welcome 🙂 Building trust takes time and first we really do need to learn to be able to trust ourselves. The type of change that happens when you threaten to leave shows he is dependent on you but it is change based on fear and not trust. A huge turning point for me was when I stopped threatening to leave but put stronger boundaries in place (such as separating our finances) instead.
After fourteen years together, I am now recovering from an affair some years go which resulted in our separation. The NPD person in my life caused me … or should I say, I allowed it to happen …. to lose my self confidence and to be continually walking on egg shells. He is so phono phobic and the crinkle of a drink bottle being opened or me tapping on a window to say “look at that!!!”, would send him into a rage. Emotional withdrawal was frequently used and “being tired” as a reason to be unreasonable. Sometimes he WOULD acknowledge he could have acted differently.
He has now made moves towards a reconciliation however I had planned an overseas trip which I am still going on …. alone. I would love for us to go together but I think it will do us good to have some time apart, even tho we are reconciling. … and I will use this time to re-read the Safety Net work book I purchased years ago.
Thank you Kim for your encouragement and words of wisdom.
Hey Jan, do you think he might be on the autism spectrum? Sometimes that can be confused with narcissism. I also wonder where you are going? If you know the country and language and he doesn’t it could be a great chance to build trust by you acting as guide. This is a great way to build attachment. If it is the other way around however and he knows the country better than you – or there is opportunity for him to philander – your plan to go alone is probably best.
Kim, I was a stay-at-home mom, but then I went out and got myself a job and my own bank account. Yay me! But now I am bitter because I really wanted to be a stay-at-home mom. But I can’t because I can’t trust HIM not to be abusive. I feel it’s important that he knows I have the ability to leave him if he crosses the line again. But how can I ever rebuild any true intimacy with this man, when I don’t even feel like we are on the same team? I feel like I have to keep my guard up with him or he will turn me into a door mat again. Yes, I am a stronger more independent person now. But I am also bitter and angry and the love I once had is gone. It seems like there is nothing he can do at this point. He is being the man I always wanted him to be. But it feels too little, too late. I don’t want it to be too late. Is there anything I can do to soften my heart without being so vulnerable that I’m in danger of going back to being an abused spouse again?
Is there work you can do from home? If you did stay at home how could you improve your status? I worked for years to build this business from home – and at times it felt I was climbing out of a hole with my whole family on my back!
I guess what I am saying is that it sounds like you need to let go of ‘the dream’ that you had and instead start living the life that is in front of you.
That is part of being a parent and growing up.
In my case it was the opposite and I dreamed I would have a career and a nanny to help out with the kids. As it turned out Steve was too insecure to handle me having a high powered job and needed me around much more than that lifestyle would have allowed for.
So instead I am a stay at home mum and we run the business together.
Do I have regrets about that now? Hardly ever.
A few years ago I met a woman who wanted my help whose husband was a criminal. Most everyone had told her she had no choice to leave and put all the blame on him for the conflict in their relationship.
What I said to her might shock some people but in the end it helped her see her situation more clearly.
I said “so you married a gangster? Maybe you can change him and maybe you can’t but if you want to stay married you need to face it that you are a gangsters wife and so you better toughen up and start acting like one!”
I guess what I am saying is that even if we didn’t see it clearly when we feel in love – we did in fact make the choice to be where we are.
If your husband doesn’t have the maturity to be able to support you to stay at home without that power imbalance going to his head – that is just how it is right now.
You letting go of ‘the dream’ and instead getting a plan for yourself that takes that reality into account – but still allows for progress towards a better life together – will help you both.
This unrealistic dream us women can have about what our life was meant to be like – can in fact become our own kind of narcissism.
You are holding your husband in judgement because he couldn’t live up to your expectations. That won’t help him and in the end will only feed his feelings of inadequacy.
Instead I wonder what he is able to do that would make things better for both of you? That is what the members post linked to this article is all about.
Finding that challenge and knowing how to deliver it will put you back on the level of friends again and get you both working at moving forward together.
This is so insightful. I am learning so much and what once seemed like a prison is opening up into a stairway of opportunity…both for me and my spouse. Thanks so much