Defining Narcissistic Personality Disorder
(Updated October 16th 2015)
Since the psychiatrists who put together the latest DSM have acknowledged their need to learn more about Narcissistic Personality Disorder. Where does that leave those of us who are wondering if ourselves or someone we know might be suffering from this disorder?
– What does a narcissist look like?
– Is there Narcissistic Personality Disorder in my family?
– Is a little narcissism healthy or not?
– Is there really ‘no cure’ for Narcissistic Personality Disorder?
Sometimes known as the disorder causing emotional and domestic abuse, these questions about Narcissistic Personality Disorder should not be thrown off lightly.
In a society where profiling serial killers and psychopaths (who make up less than .01% of the population) has reached the point where a TV sitcom has even been produced about one; why in contrast is the narcissistic character (causing around 40% of police call outs and making up a large percentage of the prison population) still so invisible to most of us?
Isn’t a domestic abuser a lower class man who comes home from work and draws the blinds before beating on his wife, to make sure that she obeys him?
And the narcissist? Of course he is that notorious bore that no one wants to get stuck with at parties, because he does nothing but spout his own praises?
The fact is both of these profiles are quite wrong.
A person suffering from Narcissistic Personality Disorder is defined (in our work) as the following …
“A person who consistently hides their deep feelings of inadequacy and shame about themselves beneath an exterior of charm, confidence and false pride.”
I say consistently, because many of us will have Narcissistic characteristics sometimes. For instance many people, when they drink alcohol, start feeling they are superior to other people and acting a bit high and mighty. Yet as hard as this might be to live with – in a person who drinks regularly – this is not persistent enough a pattern of behavior to be classified as a personality disorder.
False Pride
The difference between pride and false pride is much like the difference between egotism and self esteem. Neither are on the same spectrum at all and I would even say both are complete opposites.
Pride in our achievements, for instance, is a healthy and normal attribute. While false pride begins when a person has fallen in love with a fantasy or illusion of who they are, because really they hate themselves.
False pride will argue and lie and distort the facts, and will have no qualms about throwing a scapegoat or two under the bus (to hide their crimes).
For false pride has no morals or decency and will sacrifice anything to ‘save face’, regardless of emotional, financial and physical damage and hurt caused to others.
Likewise egotism thrives on imagined superiority and feels itself in a position to categorize and judge everyone around it. While on the contrary, a person with good self esteem respects the needs and feelings of others, and does so easily; because this person does not need to put other people down to feel good about themselves.
So what is the test? And how can we spot this charmer who isn’t all they pretend to be?
After years of full time work on this subject we came up with three questions you can ask yourself to know if your evaluation of yourself is solid or built on the foundations of fantasy. You will find them on our new website about Narcissistic and Codependent marriages here . . .
NPD Test – Three Questions to ask yourself.
Or if you would like a definition of the narcissistic personality here is a good place to start . . .
Our Definition of Narcissistic
Now as for whether Narcissistic Personality Disorder is curable – we say that in the right family environment sometimes it is. However dealing with a person who has considerable charm, but no real connection to their morality is NOT something you should take on lightly.
So if you live or work with a person who shows symptoms of this disorder, please read the ideas we offer and take your time in carefully putting together a plan in helping you deal with them better and most importantly how better to protect yourself.
It might help you to stop wondering why ‘they don’t care‘ and looking for ways to soften their heart and instead ask yourself how you can grow stronger and wiser.
Thanks for newsletter, would like more info
Hi Barbars – Please have a look at the links provided in this article 🙂
My husband left my 4 very young children & I 18mths ago to live with his mistress, he was seeing for 2 yrs before leaving us. In hindsight I suspected he had a couple of flings before her. We had 15 fantastic years together before that. Whilst trying to work out what was wrong with us I discovered he was obsessed with facebook & his mobile texting, he was into porn, and joining women for drinks & lunch. He had become a stranger. Anyway recently I discovered he’s cheating on his girlfriend that he lives with, texting a number of girls & initiating relationships. He’s in no way violent, but becoming a compulsive liar. Can I help him stop the train wreck he’s becoming???
He’s definitely experiencing inadequacy & shame, but his false pride won’t let him communicate with me openly. He will be in my life for the next 20 years at least parenting our children & I want him to be a good influence in their lives. I care for his emotional health & want to help him, everyone else has written him off, it breaks my heart to watch a good man succumb to such temptations. Is their anything to break thru his walls?
Hey Louise, I really feel for you looking after 4 young children on your own with all the hurt you must be feeling. You obviously have a big heart to still be concerned for your husbands well being. I think it is also wise that you realize you have a life long relationship with your husband (regardless of your feelings about what he has done) that is going to impact on your children. The steps in 10 Steps to Overcome Codependence and The Love Safety Net Workbook will not only help you deal with him better – and hopefully eventually build enough trust where you can break through his walls of defensiveness – they will help you to begin healing yourself. This is so important because if we do not heal our own hurt – we cannot help but hurt our own children. You will need to read through the material I have suggested and get an overview first of what we are teaching – and then decide your approach and the first steps you want to take with him. He will never find the love he is looking for outside himself – but you can only show him this truth if you have learned to truly love yourself first. If you look through the list of free articles on this blog (on the top right hand column of this page) you will find a link called the light within that you might enjoy.
You talk about narcissism in partners and spouses. Is there any resources for those who are dealing with it in a child? My son turns 18 next month and though counselors and even a psychiatrist tossed that word out there the psychiatrist said they wouldn’t diagnose it in a teenager because what teen isn’t self centered? But I know it not just that with him. he has been like this since I adopted.him at age 7.
Hi Janet – Our books were developed first from parent training and so yes our approach works with kids and young adults. It is a tough road – but well worth the results we have seen in teens. Back From the Looking Glass and The Love Safety Net Workbook will give you many steps and exercises that I am sure you won’t have too much trouble adapting to your situation and 10 Steps to Overcome Codependence is also a very short read that will help you get your new approach centered and on track.
Being self centeres is just a symptom. Narcissism is a deep missing of the ability to recognize other people as emotional beIngs. It is a core icore that roots back to infancy.
Hi Kim,
I must say that all the information you share here really helped easy up my relationship with my narcissist hubby!
One thing I can still not handle is the cycle of emotional abuse.If before the honeymoon period would last 1 week ,now it lasts 1 month.
Even though it does not affect me the way it used to,since I am now in contr of my emotions,it still gets me wondering how life would have been if only I had a “normal” person next to me.
When the honey moon period starts I am so annoyed that I cannot stand him and although I love him his behavior really puts me off.It feels like I am living with a little boy instead of a 41 year old man!
Do you have any suggestion for when he decides to give me the cold shoulder for no reason?I have already tried to ask him what was going on but he always blames it on stress!
We have been together for 10 years and have two children so I know it is not stress causing this!
Hi Eva, You need to break this cycle altogether by getting more information on what is causing him to need to provoke these fights (his double life?) and what seems to trigger them. Are they an excuse for him to run off somewhere else – or are they so he can avoid discussing money with you? One way or another there is a reason he does this and you should obsess about it – but you should find out.
When he gives you the cold shoulder it may be him trying to provoke a fight and so it would be best if you can continue to just try and get on with your day without him. Then later when he needs you for something important you could have something ready to say such as “I will think about it – but I didn’t appreciate you snubbing me earlier.” Then you get on with your own routine again and let him wait for his answer. Then when he is acting like everything is fine again may be a good time to bring up what you have uncovered about his double life. That may sound something like “I am glad you want to be friends again and I am going to stand by you – but picking fights with me to create a smoke screen is not going to hide your ————— anymore.”
You obviously need to be prepared for this conversation and our books offer much more guidance on this.
what about the theme that consists of ” you don’t care about my feelings … it’s all about you!” Thus has been the most troublesome problem with my boyfriend and it comes out of nowhere it’s seems in the midst of a discussion and then I feel falsely accused and defensive which escalates the tension to the point that he demands me to not speak and if I do xyz will happen.
for example last night turned for the extreme worst when during our chat about his certification through his physical exercise alliance for yoga and I commented about the lack if Attention to some of the details because I happen to be a certified instructor with 500 hours cert. and have some issues with these weekend certifications that lack the essence of the spiritual side. he exploded stating how he knows how I feel about it and he doesn’t need to hear it every time . even though I told him I would help him with the process. he has boxed me I to this elitist yoga person who does not have respect for other types… this may have been partly true in the past but I have been exploring other types and have enjoyed it so I called him on it and he did admit to this however he expects me to own my part right away which I have to admit I don’t always get what I have said wrong.
I did finally say what he wanted to hear that I was sorry for not listening etc but this had already turned ugly with verbal a use and some physical stuff with throwing things and turning over the tsble because I spo
to him after he asked/told me not to.
it feels like for all the good I try to do in this relationship is cancelled out by one sentence that seems relatively honest but may lack something I am not aware of at the time,. we can be laughing one minute and then angry the next. the other thing he constantly does is to remind me how much time I have wasted of his on any discussion he dies not think deserves it and will cut me off because he heard it already.
I am trying to love through these times but feel it is such hard work and I feel unjustly accused at times for responses/ feelings that he thinks I have said or feel that are not always accurate. lastly, I know he has been having relationship issues with his make friends as well and they sound eerily familiar in their theme to the point that even he made note of how he and his friend have had similar misunderstandings and how they have presented.
What do you make of all this? I don’t have many people in my life to discuss theses feelings and plus it doesn’t do anything but turn them against him. I appreciate all you have done and for people like me going through this because it is stressful and lonely.
I thought we were finally on a good track and had figured out how to deal with my own stuff better but I know it takes time and I am not perfect. He feels like he has already given me enough chances to fix my what he sees tendency to care about my own feelings etc
Sincerely,
Kitty Hanson
Hi Kitty,
Have you worked through the exercises in The Love Safety Net Workbook? There is an exercise about building a repertoire of comebacks for situations where you partner regularly becomes reactive or abusive. Your comeback might be something like “I would have more respect for your feelings if your behavior was not so reactive and immature when I simply disagree with you. I am going to go to bed / do some gardening / get the kitchen cleaned up now as I don’t see this conversation going anywhere productive. I hope you will spend some time thinking about taking responsibility for how you regulate your emotions – because respect isn’t something anyone can just decide to give you – it is something you need to earn.”
If he stays mad about this – I think you need to be very strong about getting on with your own routine and refusing to engage with him intellectually until he has calmed down for a day or so. You may also need some scripts to deal with this along the way (statements that are not open for discussion) and it would be best to plan these now when you are calm and not in the heat of the moment. You can also be a good role model by regulating your own emotions well – for instance you can say “I feel very angry about what has happened here and so I don’t want to talk about this any further until I have calmed down.” It is very important that you establish in yourself that you have the right to end the discussion if you feel he is being overly emotional and reactive. You can say “I don’t know how to respond to you when you are like this – so I’m sorry but I can’t talk about this any further until things have calmed down.”
Thanks for your reply,Kim!
I am not sure if has a double life,because he pretty much spends time between home and his job!I don’t see much space for this.Unless it happens when I am working and he is not.You could be right,but the impression I got during our life together is that he just needs to do that in order to make me insecure and play with my emotions.Something that used to work wonders for him when my codependency was at its highest level!
Now not any more,since I just go on with my life,as you also suggested!
I will for sure get one of your books as soon as my financial situation allows.I hope sooner than later!
Regards,
Eva
What about having sex with him?
I think that depends entirely on what you want. If it feels right great. If not don’t do it. I don’t think sex should be withheld as punishment or leverage but I also don’t think it is a good idea if you are not genuinely interested.
Hi Kim and Steve,
Thank you for your amazing website I am so happy I came across it. I have been with my husband 2 years and in the back of my mind I always knew that his behaviour wasn’t normal but I didn’t know what it was. I’m almost certain he has NPD but there are some things about him that are different to what you describe so please can you try to see what you think? I want to know I am taking the correct steps. He can be extremely arrogant, and thinks that he is very special and the best at everything. He has always put me down about everything, yet expects me to praise the ground he walks on. He is very demanding of me and whilst I am happy to look after him I feel that he does it to control me – for example he sometimes tells me to do the most simplest of things like take the lid of the water bottle for him. Or go and put his razor and shaving gel on the sink ready for him. He is very controlling towards me, to the point where he controls what I wear, my hair colour, make up, I can’t wear nail varnish as he says I look like a prostitute. He controls when I see family and friend. We started off working together for a year as that is how we met and he once went crazy at me for laughing on the phone to stakeholders (I just want to add I am not a flirty person in the slightest it is not in my nature) he told me that it is not professional at all, so after that I had to just be silent if a stakeholder laughed or said something funny on the phone otherwise he would explode. I even smiled one time on the phone and he had such a go at me about that! When he explodes i get all sorts of nasty names and insults thrown at me, and looks that could kill, which in turn made me mad too which didn’t help the situation. In the beginning he used to always ask me where I was looking, thinking I was always looking at other men- which is completely not true. Even to this day he still thinks the same but he has calmed down now (although this may be due to the fact that I am so conscious of this and keep looking at the floor.) He also blames me for everthing that goes wrong even if it so clearly is his fault. I am constantly walking on egg shells, nothing I ever do is good enough, when he praises me for something it is always said in such a patronising tone. He has lied so blatently to me on many occasion, and continues to lie even when I confront him with clear facts. Thanks to your site I have realised that I have gone wrong in a lot of ways i always blamed myself anyway as that was easier than thinking I’d made a huge mistake, but now I can understand why he does not think the same as me regarding the way you should treat the one you love. But the differences with him from what you describe are that he is the opposite of being distant he wants to be with me all the time, he even goes mad if I don’t wait for him to brush our teeth together. He doesn’t watch porn and I know this as we are always together. Although he is selfish of my needs he can be very selfless at times. Although it is rare but when he is sorry he really and truly is, he can be more emotional than me at times. He outwardly expresses no empathy with others, yet sometime he is the complete opposite he even cries for others sometimes. Yet one time when my friend had a minor heartattack he strugged it off as nothing and got angry at me for wanting to visit her in hospital so in the end I didnt. I have full control of our joint account and budget, however he does always want to know what I spend and I sometimes have to argue with him about what I need to buy (like a box of hair dye) he rarely spends money on himself and can be very generous with buying me things. He does not really put on an act to other people, he says what he thinks and has made many enemies. He doesn’t have many friends. He does expect so much from other people and if they are not up to his standard then he will tell them so. I was reading what can cause narcissism and his childhood most definitely seems to be the cause. He went hungry a lot of times only eating an apple for dinner. His father kicked him out when he was only a kid. His father was so strict with his kids which is why I think he is so strict with me. I’m so sorry for the long comment I think I just really needed to get this off my chest as I cannot speak to anyone about this. I found your site on Saturday and have been successfully staying calm when he has been nasty. He has since apologised and has now told me we really need to change and he wants things to get better. So if you think he does have NPD please can you help, as are just a couple of things i am unsure of – he always praises himself and expects me to agree and praise him also, if I am silent he goes mad at me- so how should I respond without angering him? And without building him up too much as I think this is not helping him. Also how should I respond when he orders me to do something that is clearly just him trying to control me? I jokingly called him lazy on Sunday and he called me all sorts of horrible names in response. I have made it clear to him I’m not going anywhere. I will continue to try to stay calm and work on myself as I do have a lot of codependence issues and can be abit narcissistic at times. I just hope that he does have NPD as at least there is hope for the future as you guys have proven. Hopefully this will all change with time anyway but if you could give me some examples for now I would be so grateful. I cannot pay monthly as he does sometimes check our statements it is too risky. Thank you for reading, I hope to hear from you, merry Christmas and happy new year! Susan
Hi Susan 🙂
Your husband sounds more like he is plain old insecure rather than having the classic NPD pattern of behavior. That said we do not diagnose people and believe that many people have narcissistic and codependent tendencies, without necessarily having a diagnosable disorder. The exercises we offer in the Love Safety Net Workbook will help you learn better ways to limit his controlling behavior in the chapter on limiting abuse. The little Book of Empathy Love and Friendship may be a good book for him to read 🙂