Continued from Julius Caesar: A Hero for Our Times
We can see that Julius Caesar was well loved from the cult of Divus Julius which sprung up after his death.
Likewise, by the fresh flowers that still litter his funeral pyre, we see that the type of valor Caesar showed and what he stood for in Rome still resounds in many people’s hearts today.
This plus the fact he was a great orator and commander, caring for his soldiers in wartime as in peace, shows very advanced leadership skills; including valor, compassion and forgiveness.
In terms of relationship skills, lets consider a little more of what Julius Caesar did right:
1. He did not play victim but strengthened himself, trained his army and worked hard for victory for ‘his people’ (on and off the battlefield) at all cost.
2. Ruthless but also humanitarian (he cut the throats of pirates he chased down and crucified, to spare them a long and agonizing death), he gained the respect of his enemies which in turn helped earn peace.
3. Forgiveness would have freed up a lot of energy for him to use in the challenges of his day to day work.
Many would say Caesar was gullible or too trusting of Brutus and the senate and that he should have been better on guard, but today I want to explore another angle, where I speculate Caesar may have gone wrong . . .
“Caesar’s form of forgiveness didn’t leave much room for other men’s pride.”
We get a glimpse into Brutus’ mind when he immortalized the murder of Caesar on a gold coin: on one side was depicted the ancient Brutus who had driven the last kings out of town (509 BC) and on the other Brutus himself—the new Brutus—who he believed like his ancestor, had freed the city and the world of the new king Caesar.
As the historian Francesco Carotta states; “It would appear that in Brutus’ thinking, a life by Caesar’s grace was the death of a free citizen.”
This was obviously not how most of the populace thought, but gives us some insight into how Brutus felt.
“It is all very well to be the bigger man and forgive; but what if that leaves the person you are forgiving feeling resentful and small?”
This leads us into the most difficult part of our teaching being ‘gap work’, which you will find in the Love Safety Net Workbook as our 4th Pillar to a happy home.
“My advice to Julius Caesar would have been to be cautious that forgiving Brutus not be seen as an act of his own pride.”
Instead the smarter way to forgive is:
“To genuinely offer an opportunity for the person to redeem themselves by giving them a challenge that will help them fill in their developmental gaps.”
In Brutus’ case we we can only speculate (as we often must even with those close to us):
Brutus was an optimas who defended the interests of the upper class, as opposed to Caesar who was a populares advocating reform in the interests of the masses.
This political difference and the fact that Brutus had found his wealth from lending money for interest (usuary), leads to the idea that for Caesar to truly trust Brutus it might be important Brutus overcome his love of money by developing better relationships (where our true wealth resides) and learning how to share.
To effect this challenge without being patronizing Caesar might have written to Brutus;
“I am going to pardon you and have them bring you home where you are free to do whatever you like, but if you want to earn my respect again, come and see me, because I want to work with you and I have a plan.”
Then if Brutus took up this offer Caesar might have said, “Brutus I want to give you a chance to win in battle, but I cannot help you raise an army until you have truly earned my pardon and I know that we see eye to eye.” Then if Brutus showed interest Caesar might have said, “To be a strong leader in battle you need to fight alongside your men and you also need to learn how to share. I will consider helping you raise an army, but first I want to see you spend 6 weeks in the galleys with one of my rowing crews building yourself up.”
Then if Brutus said, “What? Are you kidding?”
Caesar might have said, “It will build up your upper body so no one in the field can better you and it will also give you maturity by teaching you team work and that it is worth more than money to learn how to share.”
Brutus may have been offended by this and ready to storm off, but Caesar could have been ready for that too and said, “It is your choice, but it is what I am going to need from you if I am going to give you that chance.”
So in the end Brutus may have taken the challenge (which would have undoubtably been good for him and strengthened the two men’s friendship) and he may not. Either way Caesar would have given him his freedom while also being honest about his appraisal of his potential and gaps.
Offering to help your enemy build up an army may sound crazy, but Brutus would have to earn Caesar’s respect first and this would also have helped build trust. Even more important, this plan would have less likely seen Brutus harbour resentment at being left at home as a cleric while Julius went back out to conquer distant lands.
This kind of forgiveness is less high handed than charity and much more like love.
It is a challenge to give so much time and thought to the needs of people in our life who betray or disrespect us – but in the end it is in their best interest and also in ours.
It is a move however that cannot be made from a position of weakness and must be made from a position of strength. To build that strength in yourself you may want to check out 10 Steps to Overcome Codependence.
In my estimation Brutus needed to learn that if you want to truly be wealthy, with a life full of love, meaning and respect, it is vital that you learn how to share. Some of us were fortunate and learned this when we were young, but many of us, especially in wealthier homes, did not.
Caesar on the other hand needed to learn that if he truly wanted the release that comes in forgiving ones enemies, he needed to really spend some time putting himself in their shoes and have genuine empathy for them too.
Because no matter how great the leader there are always a few gaps.
Kim Cooper
PS. To find your own and your partner’s gaps and learn how to challenge them in a way that brings you closer, we have developed the gap finder exercise at the end of the Love Safety Net Workbook.
Deep and perceptive essay–forgiveness is very complicated I find. Sometimes that’s the easy part; it’s what to do next that I find difficult. I think I have forgiven my sisters for cruel neglect and verbal abuse, but it is hard to be strong enough to negotiate and build genuine relationships afterward! It feels like a risky business to me:)
A risky business indeed 🙂 I wonder what your sister’s gaps are and how you might challenge her? She may choose to walk away but that is probably a lesser risk that allowing her to abuse you.
Interesting as usual! I have some troubles trying to find real ways to tackle my partner’s and my gaps, to be honest: I see them now, thanks to your books, but I find it hard to find concrete ways to face them, especially with my partner, because he hates when he feels I think something is not perfect about him, as you can imagine. Do you have some posts about it? Or even better, could you write something about it, maybe a new ebook, sooner or later? Thanks again for your work!
Yes I have been meaning to produce something on challenging for awhile – thanks for the reminder I will add it to my to do list!
Yes I have been meaning to produce something on challenging for awhile – thanks for the reminder I will add it to my to do list!
Yes I have been meaning to produce something on challenging for awhile – thanks for the reminder I will add it to my to do list!
Yes I have been meaning to produce something on challenging for awhile – thanks for the reminder I will add it to my to do list!
Yes I have been meaning to produce something on challenging for awhile – thanks for the reminder I will add it to my to do list!
Yes I have been meaning to produce something on challenging for awhile – thanks for the reminder I will add it to my to do list!
Yes I have been meaning to produce something on challenging for awhile – thanks for the reminder I will add it to my to do list!
Yes I have been meaning to produce something on challenging for awhile – thanks for the reminder I will add it to my to do list!
Yes I have been meaning to produce something on challenging for awhile – thanks for the reminder I will add it to my to do list!
Yes I have been meaning to produce something on challenging for awhile – thanks for the reminder I will add it to my to do list!
Yes I have been meaning to produce something on challenging for awhile – thanks for the reminder I will add it to my to do list!
Yes I have been meaning to produce something on challenging for awhile – thanks for the reminder I will add it to my to do list!
Yes I have been meaning to produce something on challenging for awhile – thanks for the reminder I will add it to my to do list!
Yes I have been meaning to produce something on challenging for awhile – thanks for the reminder I will add it to my to do list!
Yes I have been meaning to produce something on challenging for awhile – thanks for the reminder I will add it to my to do list!
Yes I have been meaning to produce something on challenging for awhile – thanks for the reminder I will add it to my to do list!
Yes I have been meaning to produce something on challenging for awhile – thanks for the reminder I will add it to my to do list!
Yes I have been meaning to produce something on challenging for awhile – thanks for the reminder I will add it to my to do list!
Yes I have been meaning to produce something on challenging for awhile – thanks for the reminder I will add it to my to do list!
Yes I have been meaning to produce something on challenging for awhile – thanks for the reminder I will add it to my to do list!
Yes I have been meaning to produce something on challenging for awhile – thanks for the reminder I will add it to my to do list!
Yes I have been meaning to produce something on challenging for awhile – thanks for the reminder I will add it to my to do list!
Yes I have been meaning to produce something on challenging for awhile – thanks for the reminder I will add it to my to do list!
Yes I have been meaning to produce something on challenging for awhile – thanks for the reminder I will add it to my to do list!
Yes I have been meaning to produce something on challenging for awhile – thanks for the reminder I will add it to my to do list!
Yes I have been meaning to produce something on challenging for awhile – thanks for the reminder I will add it to my to do list!
Yes I have been meaning to produce something on challenging for awhile – thanks for the reminder I will add it to my to do list!
Yes I have been meaning to produce something on challenging for awhile – thanks for the reminder I will add it to my to do list!
Yes I have been meaning to produce something on challenging for awhile – thanks for the reminder I will add it to my to do list!
Yes I have been meaning to produce something on challenging for awhile – thanks for the reminder I will add it to my to do list!
Yes I have been meaning to produce something on challenging for awhile – thanks for the reminder I will add it to my to do list!
Yes I have been meaning to produce something on challenging for awhile – thanks for the reminder I will add it to my to do list!
Yes I have been meaning to produce something on challenging for awhile – thanks for the reminder I will add it to my to do list!
Yes I have been meaning to produce something on challenging for awhile – thanks for the reminder I will add it to my to do list!
Yes I have been meaning to produce something on challenging for awhile – thanks for the reminder I will add it to my to do list!
Yes I have been meaning to produce something on challenging for awhile – thanks for the reminder I will add it to my to do list!
Yes I have been meaning to produce something on challenging for awhile – thanks for the reminder I will add it to my to do list!
Yes I have been meaning to produce something on challenging for awhile – thanks for the reminder I will add it to my to do list!
Yes I have been meaning to produce something on challenging for awhile – thanks for the reminder I will add it to my to do list!
Yes I have been meaning to produce something on challenging for awhile – thanks for the reminder I will add it to my to do list!
Yes I have been meaning to produce something on challenging for awhile – thanks for the reminder I will add it to my to do list!
Yes I have been meaning to produce something on challenging for awhile – thanks for the reminder I will add it to my to do list!
Yes I have been meaning to produce something on challenging for awhile – thanks for the reminder I will add it to my to do list!
Yes I have been meaning to produce something on challenging for awhile – thanks for the reminder I will add it to my to do list!
Yes I have been meaning to produce something on challenging for awhile – thanks for the reminder I will add it to my to do list!
Yes I have been meaning to produce something on challenging for awhile – thanks for the reminder I will add it to my to do list!
Yes I have been meaning to produce something on challenging for awhile – thanks for the reminder I will add it to my to do list!
Yes I have been meaning to produce something on challenging for awhile – thanks for the reminder I will add it to my to do list!
Yes I have been meaning to produce something on challenging for awhile – thanks for the reminder I will add it to my to do list!
Yes I have been meaning to produce something on challenging for awhile – thanks for the reminder I will add it to my to do list!
Yes I have been meaning to produce something on challenging for awhile – thanks for the reminder I will add it to my to do list!
Yes I have been meaning to produce something on challenging for awhile – thanks for the reminder I will add it to my to do list!
Yes I have been meaning to produce something on challenging for awhile – thanks for the reminder I will add it to my to do list!
Yes I have been meaning to produce something on challenging for awhile – thanks for the reminder I will add it to my to do list!
Yes I have been meaning to produce something on challenging for awhile – thanks for the reminder I will add it to my to do list!
Yes I have been meaning to produce something on challenging for awhile – thanks for the reminder I will add it to my to do list!
Yes I have been meaning to produce something on challenging for awhile – thanks for the reminder I will add it to my to do list!
Yes I have been meaning to produce something on challenging for awhile – thanks for the reminder I will add it to my to do list!
Yes I have been meaning to produce something on challenging for awhile – thanks for the reminder I will add it to my to do list!
Yes I have been meaning to produce something on challenging for awhile – thanks for the reminder I will add it to my to do list!
Yes I have been meaning to produce something on challenging for awhile – thanks for the reminder I will add it to my to do list!
Yes I have been meaning to produce something on challenging for awhile – thanks for the reminder I will add it to my to do list!
Yes I have been meaning to produce something on challenging for awhile – thanks for the reminder I will add it to my to do list!
Yes I have been meaning to produce something on challenging for awhile – thanks for the reminder I will add it to my to do list!
Yes I have been meaning to produce something on challenging for awhile – thanks for the reminder I will add it to my to do list!
Yes I have been meaning to produce something on challenging for awhile – thanks for the reminder I will add it to my to do list!
Yes I have been meaning to produce something on challenging for awhile – thanks for the reminder I will add it to my to do list!
Yes I have been meaning to produce something on challenging for awhile – thanks for the reminder I will add it to my to do list!
Yes I have been meaning to produce something on challenging for awhile – thanks for the reminder I will add it to my to do list!
Yes I have been meaning to produce something on challenging for awhile – thanks for the reminder I will add it to my to do list!
Yes I have been meaning to produce something on challenging for awhile – thanks for the reminder I will add it to my to do list!