How Do You Make Friends?
Our attachment style describes how we respond to other people.
Which is your attachment style?
– Moving away from people.
– Moving towards people.
– Moving against people.
On the Sidelines
The first two in this list are pretty straight forward, but the third has a bit of a twist. This is because ‘moving against’ people usually don’t start out aggressive. Similar to ‘moving away’ people, when they are forced to be part of a class or group they will often hang out on the sidelines pretending they are too tough or cool to join in.
Friendly enough at first, ‘moving against’ people will be argumentative and find ways to provoke other people (who will be annoyed that they don’t just join in). They will usually only get angry once they have succeed in annoying someone else and then they can blame the other person for starting the fight.
‘Moving against’ people are very good at provocation and may do it by simply ignoring people and being aloof.
This might display in childhood like this …
“A ‘moving against’ toddler, sent in to see his mother, may sit down with his back to her or refuse to look at her or talk to her. Then when mother feels rejected and gets annoyed or angry and tries to pick the child up and force them to look at her (as the parents of ‘moving against’ children usually tend to do) the child will twist and squirm or even hit out and punch while the mother reprimands the child.”
Psychologists say these 3 attachment styles are static throughout life but I disagree. People are great at learning new skills as long as they are motivated.
So why would anyone feel motivated to change their style?
- ‘Moving away’ people often become scapegoats and victims of abuse.
- ‘Moving towards’ people tend to develop good relationships.
- ‘Moving against’ people often become bullies.
So to learn better relationship skills it may be vital that you work on your style.
And because ‘moving away’ and ‘moving against’ people are both found on the sidelines, they tend to end up in friendships and relationships with each other.
The bully and the scapegoat.
Change Your Style
Maybe you can help change the bully and maybe you can’t, but first you need to learn to STOP acting like a scapegoat.
I have a simple step by step guide to this in the members area of my site today . . .
Or another members only article about re parenting adult bullies here …
Moving away people are usually highly motivated to learn how to make friends and stop getting teased; so if you are a ‘moving away’ type, I bet with a bit of effort you can improve your skills (even if you don’t change your whole style).
The problem with bullies is that no one is usually brave enough to let them know that they don’t like them. This means that bullies at school tend to think they are popular – but if the kids are allowed to vote anonymously it is only then that they find out that they are not.
Could that be you? If you suspect you might be a moving against type you might want to check out my latest book called Your Blind Spot.
It seems oversimplified. People can be a combination of all 3 in varying degrees.
Very interesting, I have all ways (in adult life) been one that moves towards or likes to help out others. I have seen these other types at times and have tried to help them but at times loose the battle to the one that goes against.
People can be a combination of all three styles mentioned depending on the environment. I tend to be a person who moves towards people. I guess I am naturally curious and outgoing and have been this way since I was a young child. Is it possible, too that birth order and family dynamics shape our attachment style?
I can see myself as being one to be aloof my entire life. I like parties and groups of people, yet have always been terrified of being rejected. I never thought how this make people agitated for me to NOT be part of their clicke but it really has always been a nervous seperation on my part. But at the same time, I do enjoy people and like to talk so I wish I had not been born this way. But, as the old saying says, “it takes all kinds”…
secure attatchment
anxious avoidant
anxious ambivilant…
secure people are confident to make friends and dont constantly need attention…
clingy attatchment style is when someone says hello to everyone and fears being abandoned, there is a type of avoidant that desperatly wants friends but wont let it show, and a type of avoidant that beleives the world is against them so fears and expects to be rejected.