Am I Sane?
Continued from: Is My Family Dysfunctional?
Today I want to share three simple questions that will test your emotional health:
1. Are you clear about what you want in life?
2. Is what you want good for you and are you able to use hindsight to consider how what you want is really likely to make you feel?
3. How do you go about getting what you want?
Before we begin negotiating with anyone else – we should first read our emotions wisely to guide us in deciding what it is we really want.
Then to overcome our brain’s faulty simulator we should sit down and really remember how what we are after worked out for us in the past?
Then finally we need to spend some time finding the clarity and confidence to negotiate our needs in a way that is likely to succeed for us without damaging our confidence or our relationships.
If we can do these three things effectively, we are likely to lead healthy and sane lives. That’s it; it’s that simple, but simple isn’t always as easy as it sounds.
What are you wanting more of in your life and how are you planning on getting it?
Let’s get a conversation going about that today in my members area;
If want any help or guidance with this, I promise I’ll answer your questions on that page.
Not a member yet? Visit the page here to sign up and check out all of the benefits . . .
i know i am already signed up on this site but it doesnt recognize me
Hi Suzan – I have already asked Steve to help. I hope you get it figured out without any problems 🙂
Hi. I have received these emails about this site for a while now. I am actually not with the narcissist anymore, but I still read websites to forsee the red flags and constantly learn. Thank you for your writings.
Frankly, I am concerned about the last email, “I hijacked her email.”
That is a trigger for me, because that is exactly what my narcissist did to me: He hijacked my email. In that context, the rest of your email comes off odd to me and typical of writing I used to deal with. He would act all perfect and charming to the outside world but was verbally abusive among other things to me.
I hope everything is ok.
I just want to add I am not replying in a disparaging or accusatory way. Just to say that “hijacked her email” was a trigger. A gentle suggestion perhaps that this phrase not be used? The email and the computer in general is one weapon of choice and raises red flags for I imagine, many of us. Thank you again for your posts and help.
Hi JFree, Thanks for your concern but I am fine! I did a really big day yesterday behind the computer and Steve was a darling and offered to finish the job for me by writing to everyone.
Our relationship has grown so much that these days I never feel there is much in our present life I can draw on that will help my audience.
What I mean is that we are getting close to 9 years since the fighting stopped and we started to build trust with each other. That puts us in a much different place than most of my readers who are just at the beginning. This can take a toll on me because while I love helping people, it means I have to think back and remember things that by now I would really rather forget about!
I am not complaining because I do love writing, just explaining why I think Steve felt he should take over (and I really appreciated him doing so!) It is great that you are learning and growing – I am sure there is a great relationship waiting for you in the future 🙂
Kim I have a Steve (NARCISSASISTIC TRAITS) on my hands? He left a 28 year marriage, not necessarily for me. I inherited, the feminine, emotional, wreck of a guy, when he left. 3 grown, children, still involved, where they, shouldn’t, be in OUR, relationship. Mostly, the 2, grown, girls. Actually, its his guilt, that, tears, at our, happy existence. Then, he internet cheated, on me. And, has been, back n forth, 5 times. Plus, just recently, was, sleeping with his X and I, at the same time. Which in turn, blew up, in his face, when the oldest, daughter told her Mother. But his Family, keeps on forgiving, his hehaviors. The oldest, daughter says, if I am, so stupid, to keep going, back with her Dad, then its on me. Oh here’s, the BIGGY. I AM NEVER INVITED TO THEIR FAMILY EVENTS? Once, this past Xmas, in 7 years, during this MESS, we call, a relationship!! Am I just hopeless?? I met a guy, last summer, when this guy, asked me to move, out. Because he was moving in, an internet SCAM GIRL, from Ghanna Africa? Yes, he fell for a Scam. Texted me, while I was, away for business. I just accomplish a promotional, work related, goal. Thinking I was going to move, further forward, with he and I. And all along he was, online with other, women. My trust is broken. I hurt, last summer’s, guy I met, to go back, to this, guy. He threw, in an engagement, ring, after, stalking me, at summer guy’s house. Yes, I know, I should make a documentary, on what NOT to put, up with, from a guy?? Well anyhow, lemme know, if you cwn, give your thoughts, on this, rollercoaster guy, I’m still, hanging out with….??
Hi Christine – Only you can decide if this relationship is worth pursuing. I would say you have a long tough road ahead of you with it. Working on building better relationship skills, as we teach in the love safety Net Workbook, 10 steps to Overcome Codependence, and the Little Book of Empathy Love and Friendship, will help you get stronger and better equipped to navigate your emotional life and help end the madness.
I really appreciate all of your advice. I have been reading your articles since July. Reading these articles has really motivated and inspired me to make changes. I haven’t made many changes yet except I have begun to change my perspective on things which has made improvements on my emotions. Thank you!
Hi Jessica – Yes it is great if you can get an overview of what we offer before launching into any major changes in your home. Changing the status quo will often make things worse before they get better and so having a solid grasp of the new perspective we offer is a very wise place to start.
I want to be respected as a successful business woman and have my opinion really heard by others. To accomplish this I am branding myself online and offline as a professional person. My online ventures are finally coming through for me and my new boss loves my input on his suggestions to improve our office.
Good stuff Debbie – I am sure you will succeed at that goal if you keep working at it! Learning to put your self across so that your opinion is heard can really be a challenge in our society but one well worth working towards. You might enjoy my members article last week about negotiating in hierarchies 🙂
My husband doesn’t speak to me anymore. He doesn’t tell me about social events or his club events taking place until he is leaving and if it is at our house, I am totally surprised by guests(sometimes large groups)when totally unprepared (PJs even). He used to inform me years ago of these club events and I would put on the ritz. The guests always loved coming. Now, he has them all convinced that I dont want them around. It’s not hard to believe since I am totally unprepared to participate!
Hmmm that is a tough one Pamela. I wonder if you have contact with any of these friends. Can you invite them around yourself?
Hi Kim & Steve. I like your 3 things. I will have to deeply think again about the direction of my life. I have recently got back together with my ex husband. Not going well though. Nothing has really changed and he remains emotionally unavailable and distant. I read your books on co-dependency and little book of empathy and love. They are great and really helped me find direction for my own emotional nurturing and well being, however, I am having to revisit if living with a man that is extremely emotionally immature and unavailable is healthy for me and our children. Our children no longer want anything to do with him as he has no idea how to build relationship. For him its all about acting well and making all the right moves but he is unwilling to take a risk and be vunerable. I am really living with a man with an emotional intelligence of about a 12 year old and its very difficult. We have tried everything but an unwilling heart – who can really bear… I think I just have to ride this out until my kids are all out of school, I will then have finished my degree and can make the moves I need to for my own life. Sad but true I think.
Hi Kerrie, It is great you have your kids onside and that you are feeling confident in your own ability to survive without him. Are you a member yet? My post “Your Goal and Strategy” and the steps I offer in the comments section may really help you consolidate the good work you have done now 🙂
Thanks Kim. I will look at becoming a member again. i had to cancel due to my card being used fraudulently by an on-line company. It is something I will have to do again very soon. Thanks for your reply.
Kim,
Your article and the timing of it is perfect. Your first question about being clear about what you want is a good one. Living with a narcissist can make you really foggy and disoriented. It’s kind of like the frog that doesn’t know it’s being cooked because the heat is turned up slowly. It’s dangerous to be around a mentally ill person for too long because it can cloud your thinking. I think they call it “the Stockholm” effect? Anyways, I have been a student of Kim for a couple years now saturating all she has churned out, sifting through it, munching on her words. It’s been really good. I’ve worked on my co-dependent ways. I’ve learned not to allow my husband to define who I am either good or bad, saint or sinner, devil or angel depending on the mental state he happens to be in. As a follower of Christ I know who I am and I live for an audience of one. I took some time to fast and pray to figure out where He was leading me in this relationship with my husband. This is what came out of it:
I met with a counselor at church and asked him to help me. I typed out my needs and made them quite specific. I dressed up, put on my make-up and clothed myself in self confidence as per Kim’s advice that if you present yourself like a lunatic (because of the stress you’ve been under) that you won’t get the help you need to get on top go this situation. Here is what I asked for:
1. A safe house to run to when things get “dicey”.
2. A support group of individuals who are care givers (not victims) to a person who is ill and has attachment issues.
3. Resources and books and counsel for how to proceed with this individual.
4. Accountability for my husband so that he can no longer hide inside his false persona. A group of men or a male counselor who will befriend my husband, love him, but not allow him to stay as he is.
Now this gets a little tricky because many believe that if a person doesn’t want the help you can’t make them get it. Just let them run off and get to the end of themselves and maybe some day they will see the light. Kind of like the prodigal son story. But we must look at it a bit differently with narcissism, I believe. If this person is in fact injured inside their brain due to trauma will they really be able to get help and “see the light”? I think not. Would you expect a person who was run over by a tractor trailer get up off the road and walk into the hospital? I think not. Did the Jew who was lying in the ditch get up and pour his own oil and water into his wounds and dress them with bandages? No. These poor fallen souls that make us crazy are all broken up inside and they don’t know it and it’s not visible because it’s on the inside under the skull. Attachment and the lack of it is brutal. So what to do? I had to move out. Rather, I ran out of the house with no shoes on and no purse when he started spinning out of control. But my plan was already set up and in place. I called the guys at church. They called him over to have a chat so I could get back into the house and get my things. I know better than to leave him with no communication. He will just find another human to suck dry and won’t even look back with remorse. So I texted the next day and said I can’t go home until he gets help. Meanwhile I had called and set up appointments. He didn’t want to be alone or suffer the humiliation of me leaving him so he reluctantly agreed. He will be going to the Vet Center to join a veterans support group. He will be going to the Amen Clinic for SPECT imaging brain scans and treatment. He will be meeting with men from church weekly to learn skills and keep him accountable. He will be going to a Christian counseling center for a three day immersion that uncovers childhood wounds and trauma. It is called “the Ultimate Journey”. All this is hopeful and good but there is no quick fix or easy remedy. My job is too keep my resolve, to be ready to leave if he gets out of control, to be kind and loving without tolerating the mind games, to not buy into his description of me when he is out of control, to listen to what the Holy Spirit is guiding me to do next. There is no reasoning with a verbal abuser but walking away while not slamming the door behind me, leaving a crack open for communication seems to be the way to go here. Thanks Kim for offering a ray of sanity in this because there aren’t too many voices out there yet who get it.
Well done Izhh! I know exactly what you mean when you say that you cannot always wait for someone to see for themselves that they need help! I have sometimes compared this to helping someone who is drowning. Do you ask if they want help? No. Do you let them drown you trying to save them? No. Instead you need a rescue plan and you need to stick to it. Your rescue plan for your husband sounds like it is very well thought out and he is lucky to have you 🙂