Narcissism
"Narcissism is at the very
heart of human unhappiness."
- Narcissistic Personality Disorder In Your Partner
Are You Treated Differently in Private than in Public?
Are Your Nerves Shattered from Hiding Your Shame?
- What is Narcissism? - The many meanings of the word narcissism through history.
Narcissism tests can be misleading.
This site simply shares what we have learned on
our personal journey of recovery.
- Those Selfish Sneaky Brats - Meet the narcissists - an article on narcissism.
- Books on Narcissism - Our e-books and audio products at full price if you don’t wish to subscribe.
Our Ebooks & Audio Products
Do you give your best but it is never enough?
Has your relationship become a depressing chore?
Back from The Looking Glass
Living with the Disorder
that Causes Domestic Abuse ...
Kim and Steve Cooper
- Affairs (physical, emotional & fantasy)
By Kim Cooper
Narcissism hurts us in ways we avoid looking at and if we are not careful can end up costing us everything we treasure and hold dear in life.
I am not saying accomplishment is bad or negative thinking good. The problem is simply that the people who feed our ego usually do this, not with our real needs or happiness in mind, but because they are wanting to sell us something or because without even realizing it they are hooked on the ‘ego hit’ they get from us in return.
I challenge you today to stand down from your pride and admit that if your love life isn’t all you once hoped for, that maybe there are some bad habits around ego you need to take a look at in yourself.
“Like an addictive drug, ego is very seductive
and makes us feel good, while at the same time alienating
the very people in our life who really care.
Once addicted, the ‘feel good’ becomes all we crave
while, without seeing it, we begin to destroy
everything truly valuable in our life.”
This process sneaks up on a person and happens so slowly that often we don’t see the damage until well into middle age. Because of all the people in our life who encourage our narcissism, we don’t see the truth sooner -- which is that our ego is really our enemy making us hard to love and unpleasant to be around.
Q: But it’s good to build up a person’s ego isn’t it?
Because building up a person’s ego is not the same as building a person’s self esteem. Good self esteem comes from a person facing challenges that will stretch them personally and help them grow more confident in themselves rather than in comparison to anyone else.
Because an addiction to ego will often lead to us feeding the egos of the people around us. ‘Pumping other people up’ makes us feel clever and powerful - and that we are a good person - without seeing the real chaos and unhappiness this actually causes in people’s lives.
Does building up a person’s ego build trust and a long term sense of security and worthiness in people you want close? Or does it fuel arrogance and despair and lead you to feel hurt, disappointed and let down by the very people whose egos you worked hardest to feed?
How do we deconstruct our ego and help the people around us do the same?
When I hear talk about emotion these days, I often hear anger, jealousy, guilt and shame described as primitive emotions or even as outright ‘bad’. Yet all of these apparently negative emotions are vitally important signals and powerful character building tools.
When we take time to notice the effect our words have on the people around us and feel bad about things we have done that may not have been in our own, or someone else’s best interest, acknowledging these negative feelings can produce both connection and long lasting change and improvement in our life.
Unlike ego, this exercise certainly won’t feel great, but finding the courage to face your own guilt and shame on a regular basis, while learning better relationship skills, is undoubtably the path to allowing more love to enter your life. This is something you must practice with sincerity if you ever hope to help anyone else on this journey.
What effect do you have on the people around you? Do you help them feel centered and calm and able to face the genuine responsibilities in their life that need attending to? Or are you prone to nagging, criticism or flattery to prop up your own (not so realistic) image of yourself?
- Do you know what your anger is telling you?
Because criticizing and blaming others to avoid feeling our own guilt and shame is even worse than using flattery to temporarily make ourselves and that other ‘someone’ feel good.
As unpleasant as ego deconstruction can be - you will be amazed just how easily people forgive you and how all the love (that is already all around you) will quickly begin flowing in.
Q: Are you thinking you are not guilty of this?
Addiction to ego, though warned about by nearly every wise-man in history, is now rampant and actively encouraged in school, with ego (as predator) entering our lives each time we pride ourselves on being superior to those we better in class.
From the time we start watching cartoons we have the power of positive thinking drummed in our head - We are amazing and can do anything, we are told, and so much cooler and smarter than all those average adult morons out there ... like our parents. These messages all avoid the hard truth of humility which is not as attractive or easy to sell.
Yes teachers and parents are guilty of this as well as social workers, counselors, bosses and our friends too.
“True self esteem is built from setting small but doable
challenges for ourselves, which requires us regularly facing
things we think we can improve on or don’t like about ourselves
without undue drama, false pride or pretense (ego deconstruction).”
If we are honest with ourselves the most urgent work needed will usually be in areas never touched on at school and that are non competitive in nature; such as learning to be a pleasant and trustworthy companion, a better mother, father, son, daughter, friend, neighbor or citizen. Right now the world needs people who can - without ego - hold stable communities together more than champions or heroes.
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-Do you know how to express and gain wisdom from your shame?
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(and in doing so open a door to more love in your life than you probably ever thought possible?)
Beginning to notice what other people are feeling (especially when it has nothing to do with ourselves) and taking the time to notice and care about situations not directly related to us can also be a great start.
Remember the last time you got it really wrong with someone? I wonder if you can remember the expression on their face before the problem even started? Were they clearly showing you they were feeling something you may have entirely missed?
Are you up for the challenge? The short PDFs below are full of bad habits you may be guilty of (and will take courage for you to look at) but will undoubtably bring your personal relationships (including your own relationship with yourself) back to dry ground.
Ego IS a Dirty Word
A: It is easy to see narcissism in others but much harder to see in ourself!
“You're providing the "impossible to find ...”
Please write more. The broken hearts in this world need to identify with others and know there's spiritual help/friendship while they heal. You're providing the "impossible to find" these days. And even more, you're providing instructions for how to not cast the so-called permanently damaged out into the cold.
Hugs and love,
Kathy WaldenUSA
Just thought I would let my favorite couple of the world know everything is going great and it was mostly cause of you, thank you so much!
Tina G.
“Everything is going great ...”
Because the hard truth is that no one likes an over competitive athlete or know-it-all - except perhaps other ego addicts, like their proud parents, teachers or anyone else who can cash in on the shared ego glory of ‘their’ winner’s most recent success.
A: I wonder if you know the real result once you have gone home ...
Relationship Experts - Because We’ve Been There!
©NarcissismCured 2012
PLEASE NOTE - Kim and Steve are not therapists or doctors, but their advice is well researched and has been reviewed by professional mental health practitioners and includes qualified advice from many sources including Social Services and the Police. Please note that you may however still want to read this Disclaimer and Privacy Policy before getting advice from this site or their books.