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- Narcissistic Personality Disorder In Your Partner
Are You Treated Different in Private than in Public?
Are Your Nerves Shattered from Hiding Your Shame?
Narcissistic Personality Disorder in Your Partner
If you live with someone who puts you down and insults you, there is information here that may help you bring peace and security back to your home and your life. Please take your time and read this page carefully as you will not find this information anywhere else.
Maybe you know my husband Steve and I from “The Love Safety Net,” our popular online movies or radio show? Well today I will share with you some of our history which I believe may help if you are having problems with chronic fighting and/or abuse in your family or your marriage.
“Our story involves narcissism or NPD (Narcissistic Personality Disorder),
a major factor in domestic abuse and chronic fighting and we have gone
public with our experience to help others learn to recognize and deal
with this all too common problem.”
After years of conflict, I was directed to read information on-line which led me to suspect Steve was suffering from Narcissism or NPD (Narcissistic Personality Disorder).
“When I talked to a professional mental health worker about my suspicions,
he agreed and told me outright that I should divorce Steve
and that there was no cure. Worse I was treated a complete fool
for thinking he could get better.”
Despite this (and even though his behaviour was hurting me) I refused to abandon him. In my heart I knew that leaving was the wrong thing to do. There HAD to be answers. I received lots of professional help and advice, learned a lot about psychology (and made tons of mistakes) until I finally discovered (from a local police officer) the first of the steps I would take to end the fighting and bring peace to our lives.
First I will tell you a little about narcissism, but please note that I am not saying this was all Steve’s fault. Later in my story you will learn about codependence which I know now was my role in our problems. These are problems which, just like us, I believe that you can overcome.
In public you may be ignored while your partner gives all of their attention to others, pretending they are the perfect husband, father, wife or mother ...
“In private however, they will be sarcastic, haughty, insulting and put people down (even friends) behind their back.”
Someone with symptoms of NPD will show little or no regard for your well-being or feelings and may act as if they are superior and more popular than you (and show favoritism between their kids) while often being cold, arrogant, withdrawn and unavailable.
“The criticism, insults and lack of involvement or concern for
your well-being and feelings may cause you and/or your children
to feel rejected, hurt, humiliated, powerless, ashamed, and angry
while also possibly leading to mental health and psychological
problems and addictions within your family.”
A narcissist will act as if they should never be questioned and that they deserve things that they haven’t worked for or earned and trade on other peoples honesty and hard work while they lie and manipulate people for attention, perhaps acting a bit too good to be true.
“Indeed they can be very charming and even perhaps humble
in public and this will fool people so they won’t believe you
if you disclose how they talk to you in private or the things
they often say behind other peoples backs.”
I write from our experience, but there are narcissistic women as well; the statistics say that there are more men than women with narcissism, our audience however is about 50/50.
“Female narcissists cause their male partners just as much
pain and humiliation and cause just as much chaos and destruction
in their own lives and the lives of the people close to them.”
If you are close to a woman who displays this behaviour, we certainly feel for you.
“It is not black and white or men versus women either.
Most of us have narcissistic tendencies which can affect
our relationships badly. Learning to deal with Steve’s
narcissism helped me face my own narcissistic side too.
It is easy to see in others but harder to see in ourselves.
It also helped me face the problems which had seen me
A narcissistic partner or family member will lie and paint a bad picture of you. They do this to justify their own bad behaviour and try and gain sympathy while kidding themselves their lies are the truth.
“You may have no idea of all of the lies they are telling you
or the lies and exaggerations they may be telling others about you.”
If your partner creates fights when you try to discuss money, you should be aware that they may be hiding credit cards or money transactions from you. They will pretend these fights are your fault, to cover their guilt by trying to put the blame on you.
Narcissistic individuals are obsessed with the fantasy of a perfect relationship, while being skilled liars, so if the above symptoms describe your partner you should be aware that he/she may have secret crushes or be having affairs, using pornography and/or conducting ‘cyber’ affairs (while lying they are single) all without your knowledge. If you notice their mind often appears elsewhere, and they show other symptoms of this disorder, this may be the reason.
“Obsession with fantasy is part of what makes a narcissist unavailable, impatient and angry and is a major symptom of narcissism. You may
not want to consider this possibility, I know I didn’t believe it until the
evidence was right in front of me ... and then I was shattered.”
Not all narcissists are physically abusive, it is a significant indicator however that you may end up part of a violent marriage ...
“The physical abuse is not always perpetrated by the narcissist
either. It is normal to become very angry with someone
who manipulates and puts you down.”
After years of insults, rudeness and blaming you for everything wrong in their life it is even normal (especially if you discover that they have been cheating on you) for you to wish them harm or even wish them dead. This is obviously very serious and so getting (the right) help and support is very important, but can be nearly impossible to find. We care and are we are here to help, so if you face these problems, please bookmark this page right now (so you will be sure to be able to find it later) and continue reading.
“We want to see you moving past feeling resentful and wanting
to punish you partner (or wanting revenge) to feeling secure
and good about yourself and moving into a new time in your
life where you are loved, respected and valued in your family,
community and your home.”
If your partner is narcissistic there are people who will tell you that the only answer is to ‘leave and have no contact’, but this is very dangerous advice. This is exactly how to provoke and escalate rage and physical (and emotional) abuse and domestic violence in couples with these problems. It may also result in stalking. Even worse the perpetrator of the violence and stalking might be you, as partners of narcissists are often enraged by how callously their partners can ‘cast them aside' with no explanation.
“More people are killed or injured in domestic disputes when
leaving their relationship or in the two months after leaving
than at any other time.”
If you want to leave, of course that is OK, but please get our advice first on how to do this safely and how to get closure. You need to consider that setting up house somewhere else may put you on an even less sure footing than you already are and is no guarantee that the fighting will cease or that you will be safer. Statistics show that instead it will often make the fighting worse.
Confronting your partner with evidence they may have this disorder is NOT the solution
Do you sometimes worry that yourself or your partner will need years of therapy to get better? I once thought this was the only thing that would help Steve, but I was wrong and it was other very different things that turned our marriage around. I struggled with this problem for years on my own and it was one of the hardest times of my life.
There is little evidence of therapy being successful in treating narcissism, so you don’t need to try and coerce your partner into therapy. Personality disorders are best helped with a reparative relationship. This is why we sometimes call our approach ‘parenting the adult’; Just as learning new parenting skills can help your child feel safe and learn better behaviour, you can learn new ways of responding and relating to your partner that will help de-escalate the fighting.
I will share each step in detail, exactly what to do, and the common mistakes to avoid when you join my free email list.
I hope that sharing our experience will protect you from some of the mistakes we made and the bitter and nasty people I ran into when I first discovered Steve’s NPD. We have information to put to use immediately and advice on how to find the right professionals to help. I look forward to sharing the steps I took to fix our marriage even when everyone said it was hopeless.
“It took us a long time to go public with our story, but after things had been better with us for a few years we decided that we just couldn’t stay quiet any longer.”
We saw so many people suffering that we decided we just had to speak up. It was truly embarrassing at first, but getting thank you emails every day has more than made up for this.
3 Vital questions to know you are not the abuser and
3 Things to stop doing immediately (which only make the fighting worse)
All of this is completely free!
I also want to share with you what I have learned about codependence (which our team also calls emotional dependence), which is a term used to describe people who are repeatedly attracted to people with NPD. Codependence and Narcissism are sometimes called ‘a dance’ (of destruction and despair) ...Have you had difficulty forming happy and peaceful relationships? Has attracting lasting love been painful for you? Do you often feel emotionally neglected and in despair? Have you had more than one troubled relationship in your life?
I want to share with you how I learned to stand up for myself and put a stop to the abuse and how this changed everything for me and also helped Steve.
Thanks for reading and please hang in there,
Your Friend,
Kim Cooper
“Kim I Will be brief but sincere. Thank you for everything.
I am sure you don’t know how much impact you have.
it is very comforting to know you are there.
Please keep the mail coming, It is a lifeline to me ...”
S
“Can I tell you that I cry every time I get an e-mail from you,
I feel overwhelmed and comforted that you people who I have
never met in a place I have never visited are helping me in
ways I cannot express to you ... Please know in your hearts
that you are helping a little family.
Sincere thanks”
N
All the details are here;
“You and your children are treated very different in private than in public.”
Narcissistic Personality Disorder Looks Like This ...
Both Men and Women Suffer from Narcissistic Personality Disorder ...
Does Someone Close to You Suffer From Narcissistic Personality Disorder?
-
•3 Things (You Probably do Everyday) that Destroy Your Marriage.
-
•Stop Worrying that You and Your Partner will Need Years of Therapy to Get Better.
This subscription is free - Gain instant access to these private pages ...
-
•3 Questions to Know it’s Not You.
Back from The Looking Glass
Living with the Disorder
that Causes Domestic Abuse ...
Kim and Steve Cooper
Relationship Experts - Because We’ve Been There!
- Affairs (physical, emotional & fantasy)
“I discovered that what my husband has said about me for years as far as my narcissistic and selfish traits go are absolutely true ...”
Kim and Steve, Every day I am more hopeful and (prayerful) that finding the Love Safety Net might possibly save my marriage.
We have been together for 14 years
and have four small children.
Because my husband has a couple of mental diagnosis I slipped into a terrible habit of blaming him more and more for things that were going wrong in our lives... from the big to the small. Of course, I took credit for all the good things because naturally he couldn’t be responsible for anything good and only someone as great as I could be responsible for the good stuff! Right?
Well I discovered that what my husband has said about me for years as far as my narcissistic and selfish traits go are absolutely true.
He would tell me this after seeing his psychiatrists and I would tell him he was crazy. After all he is the one with the "problems." What I have discovered is that his biggest problem was ME.
You have the first resource
I have ever found that I identified with
and it was your website that first made me even open my mind to the fact
that I am the problem. I can never thank you enough!!!!!!!! Please keep us in your prayers.
Tammi
“We have more than our money's worth of value from these texts ...”
Dear Kim and Steve - You are generous beyond compare and great to have as confidantes.
We have both books, and would enjoy your discount offer, but it isn't necessary. We have more than our money's worth of value from these texts.
Thanks and keep up the work, it's a great help.
Saindon
“I went from despair and hatred to a peaceful pleasant person and my husband from being a miserable, mean, angry person with major problems with alcohol addiction to someone who now is pleasant to me most of the time, not yelling and swearing at me and seems genuinely happier ...”
Dear Steve,
I have been reading Kim's books for 2 weeks now and what a difference in my life! No more huge fights,my husband has really responded to the changes in me, so much so that as of tomorrow he is going to go on the "Seven Weeks To Sobriety" program as that site you mentioned - healthrecovery was indeed a very helpful site - it turns out I already had that book as well! This is entirely his decision and I feel I owe you and Kim a big THANK YOU! The information in your books has helped me to work on being someone my husband could trust and rely on - I went from despair and hatred to a peaceful pleasant person (of course I will always be working on that) and my husband went from being a miserable, mean, angry person who had major problems with alcohol addiction to someone who now is pleasant to me most of the time, not yelling and swearing at me and seems genuinely happier.
I am no longer trying to make him quit drinking and have accepted things as a fact he may never quit but now I can deal with things with love and kindness. I have seen many counsellors, ministers,women's outreach etc. (mostly the advice has been to leave my husband) over the last 35 years and no one has ever come close to helping as much as these last 2 weeks of trying to put into practice the advice in Kim's books! I'm struggling to put into words how this has changed me - I just hope that you can understand how much less stress I feel. I'm sure I will be writing back from time to time to update you guys
Thanks - sincerely
Sharlane
“I read one of the emails you sent me yesterday, and just that alone helped me to understand a great deal already of what i'm dealing with and what I'm going thru ... ”
Hello Kim and Good Morning to you!
Thank you so much for replying so fast to my email... YOU ARE SO APPRECIATED.....
I know your workbook is going to help me so much in learning the skills and boundaries i need to set up for my self regarding the relationship i'm in. I read one of the emails you sent me yesterday, and just on that alone, it helped me to understand a great deal already of what i'm dealing with and what i'm going thru and to think differently and have a better approach and understanding with my partner and the relationship... in just a few days alone, since i wrote and subscribed to your support/email list and the feedback i have gotten from you and the site has already helped me out a great deal.. I'm so Thankful that i found your site and all the help you have sent me alone with the newsletter's. I am truly grateful to you and your site... Again thank you so much you are helping many other's and me alone a great deal..
May God Bless you for all that
your doing thru your site ...
Misheal
“I swear to God you saved my life ...”
I am in San Diego, California.
You guys may have saved my life. I got so broken. Physically. Accidents. Seizures. Left 11-12 times last year starting the day after he won the big election he couldn't have without our family picture and the family man status.
But oh my God.
Kim is a hero and so are you for going public. I swear to god you saved my life. Thanks for taking the time and my best,
Cindy Black
“I appreciate both or your perspectives. It is amazingly refreshing...”
Thank you for the continued encouragement by your consistent newsletters and the direction to stand up in the right way. That is effective and I am looking forward to learning more. I appreciate both or your perspectives. It is amazingly refreshing.
Dear Kim and Steve,
I grew up with a narcissistic father who only made me feel special for being HIS son.
He would say to my face as a young teenager “You are my alibi”, as if this was an honor and the most important thing I could ever hope to be. He made it out to be a special role I was playing in his life. Being his alibi meant that over the years I was expected to lie to my family and cover for his immoral and illegal behaviour, even if that meant I had to take the blame for him and suffer the consequences.
Most of the time I only kept his secrets, because I didn’t want to hurt the people in my family he would constantly lie to. Mainly because of his influence, I did and said many things that I have since spent years living ashamed of. I hurt people close to me too by making poor choices that Dad would have approved of.
All my life, my father told terrible lies about anyone - apart from him - that I love (including my mother and my wife) and he used these lies as excuses for his own immoral, criminal and selfish bad habits to continue in secrecy.
I haven’t been able to help him. He has cut me out of his family and now tells his parents (my grandparents), my step mother (who I adore) and my aunt terrible things about me -- but with your help, thank God, I have escaped becoming like him and have saved my own family and kids. Since you helped my wife learn how to help me I no longer have secrets from my family and now we are a team.
This disorder is no joke and I am not surprised that doctors have no idea how to deal with it. My father is the most charming, decietful and manipulative man you could ever meet and divides everyone against each other. When my family needed a thoughtful and practical approach to our problem, the established support agencies had little to offer. Your books gave us the help and hope we so desparately needed.
Thankyou for sharing your story. You saved our family from a dark and terrible place that once lived inside of me.
(Name withheld)
“If it wasn't for you I would not have much hope ...”
Hi Kim.... I love your work. Thank you so much for offering to us. If it wasn't for you I would not have much hope that there would be a marriage left for my husband and I.
Missi
All the details are here;
-
•3 Things (You Probably do Everyday) that Destroy Your Marriage.
-
•Stop Worrying that You and Your Partner will Need Years of Therapy to Get Better.
This subscription is free - Gain instant access to these private pages ...
-
•3 Questions to Know it’s Not You.
©MODPOD2012
PLEASE NOTE - Kim and Steve are not therapists or doctors, but their advice is well researched and has been reviewed by professional mental health practitioners and includes qualified advice from many sources including Social Services and the Police. Please note that you may however still want to read this Disclaimer and Privacy Policy before getting advice from this site or their books.