Do you sometimes worry that you need to be more beautiful, make more money or be more ‘perfect’ in some way to win your partner’s love? Sure we all want an attractive partner who can provide financial security, but these things probably won’t make your partner treat you any better.

“I remember a friend of mine in high school

who all the boys liked, but because she wasn’t the prettiest

and didn’t come from the richest family

all of us girls just couldn’t figure out why.

Now I understand she had people-skills;

the very same skills I only started learning once my life

nearly hit rock bottom...”

1. How Long has Your Unhappy Relationship Gone on Already?
   

2. Is What You are Doing Now Really Helping?
   

3. Do You Live in Constant Worry the Fighting will Start Again?
   

4. Is Hiding the Shame of Your Fighting Hurting Your family?

Because you have found us, I know there is a chance you (and perhaps your children) are emotionally and/or physically in danger and I also know just how hard the first steps to a better life can be.

I think you will find what I say will ‘ring true’, because it all comes from real life experience and not someone’s theory on how things should work.

All the best and you hang in there!

Kim: your new poem, "There Are Some Things We Must Do Alone"...

excellent. Excellent! 

“You're providing the "impossible to find ...”

Please write more. The broken hearts in this world need to identify with others and know there's spiritual help/friendship while they heal. You're providing the "impossible to find" these days. And even more, you're providing instructions for how to not cast the so-called permanently damaged out into the cold. 

Hugs and love, 

Kathy WaldenUSA

You are quite simply the most incredible inspiration in my life ...

Elsie

I don't know what I'd do without your encouragement ...

Kim, Thank you for your wonderful emails, I don't know what I'd do without your encouragement.

Henry

“Please keep the mail coming, it is a lifeline to me ...”

Kim, I Will be brief but sincere,

Thank you for everything. I am sure you don’t know how much impact you have. It is very comforting to know you are there. Please keep the mail coming, it is a lifeline to me ...

S

You two are an amazing couple to help people along the way of life like this... you believe in others and that is why your succeeding!

Kelly

“You are truly an encouragement ...”

Kim, I just finished listening to your

radio show and it was great! You and your husband shared some key information and I plan to become a regular listener.

My wife came in and asked me what I was doing. When I told her about your website and radio show she seemed pleased that I was taking steps to change. I just want to thank you both for

what you do. You are truly an encouragement to others facing this problem.  

God Bless!

Just thought I would let my favorite couple of the world know everything is going great and it was mostly cause of you, thank you so much!

Tina G.

“Everything is going great ...”

I thank you. The information you provide has helped me reclaim a part of my soul I had sadly lost along the way. 

SH

Readers Comments ...

Back from The Looking Glass
Living with the Disorder

that Causes Domestic Abuse ...

Kim and Steve Cooper

The Love Safety Net Workbook
4 Skills to Build a Great Marriage

Kim and Steve Cooper

The Little Book of Empathy Love

& Friendship
Are You treated like puppy or like a bug?

Kim Cooper

Emotional Stupidity
Are You an Emotional Genius or Dunce?

Kim Cooper

Loveable Me
Self Soothing Relaxation Audio

Kim and Steve Cooper

Reconnect -

Appreciation and Respect
Conversation Topics for Groups

Kim and Steve Cooper

10 Steps to Overcome Codependence
Are You Always Waiting for them to Call?

Kim Cooper

“My mom and I now have a good relationship because of the habits I've learned from you ...”

Dear Kim and Steve, I received an email this morning from my mom (the person who is the reason I sought help in the first place) that sums up how you've helped me. My mom and I now have a good relationship because of the habits I've implemented that I learned from you.

Here it is: The Whale...

If you read a recent front page story of the San Francisco Chronicle, you would have read about a female humpback whale who had become entangled in a spider web of crab traps and lines. She was weighted down by hundreds of pounds of traps that caused her to struggle to stay afloat. She also had hundreds of yards of line rope wrapped around her body, her tail, her torso, a line tugging in her mouth. A fisherman spotted her just east of the Farallon Islands (outside the Golden Gate) and radioed an environmental group for help. Within a few hours, the rescue team arrived and determined that she was so bad off, the only way to save her was to dive in and untangle her. They worked for hours with curved knives and eventually freed her. When she was free, the divers say she swam in what seemed like joyous circles. She then came back to each and every diver, one at a time, and nudged them, pushed them gently around as she was thanking them. Some said it was the most incredibly beautiful experience of their lives. The guy who cut the rope out of her mouth said her eyes were following him the whole time, and he will never be the same. 

May you, and all those you love,

be so blessed and fortunate to be 
surrounded by people who will help you get untangled from the things that 
are binding you. And, may you always know the joy of giving and receiving gratitude. I pass this on to you, my friends, in the same spirit.

I was that whale, and you were the divers. I now know how to not become entangled in the web of deceit, manipulation and false shame, as well as my own false pride. I have also been able to share this information with many 
other people.

Thank you for what you have done. I say this with tears of gratitude.

Rose Diepstra

Cadiz, Kentucky U.S.A

“How lucky for me! ...”

It was meant to be that I came across your information the other day. I honestly don't remember how I found it. I was not looking for anything on this topic and I think there was a link on my home page under Medical/Health News. I rarely ever look at those sections. How lucky for me!

Cheryl

“Your material has certainly helped me ...”

Thank you & Kim so so much as your material has certainly helped me get through many lonely nights & help me get my head & life back on track & further more give me a clear understanding that I was not going crazy & I was living a life of hell & abuse & it wasn't my fault. 

Kindest Regards, 

Kristie

“I can teach these skills to my daughter ...”

Kim & Steve: Thank you so much for all that you have done for me. Although my relationship did not work out, I learned lessons in life that I needed a long time ago. Self soothing, respecting myself, and having healthy boundaries has changed my life for the better in so many ways. I truly understand now why no one can really love you unless you love yourself first.  

One of the many intelligent things you ever said to me was, "You cannot squeeze love out of someone!". 

I didn't realize that I was trying to fix everyone around me so that I could feel safe and loved. I needed to grow up and love and  take care of myself!  When you try to control, you really are out of control huh!  That was a hard habit to break, much less realize. Admitting to myself that I was an obsessing codependent was debilitating, but once I worked through your program a whole new world opened up to me. I even saw myself as a bit narcissistic too. I know now why they say self denial is really self defense that protects us from things that are just to painful to face.  I'm happy to say that  I AM OUT OF DENIAL!

Thank you both for being so patient with me. You gave of yourselves and your time and we have never met... for that I will always be eternally grateful!  Your love goes on and on too!  I can teach these skills to my daughter and maybe she will not make the same mistakes I have.  

 Your programs are ground breaking and I would have had to spend  thousands of dollars to get to where I am now. I have made it a life choice to keep myself in check!

Keep the emails coming! 

 Much love,

 Kristen

“You are helping me in ways I cannot express ...”

“Can I tell you that I cry every time

I get an e-mail from you, I feel overwhelmed and comforted that you people who I have never met in a place I have never visited are helping me in ways

I cannot express to you ... Please know in your hearts that you are helping a little family.

Sincere thanks”

N

“We’ve finally come together on the road to a better marriage ...”

I can barely believe how well things are working actually. After so many years of struggle and hurting one another we've finally managed to come together on the road to a better marriage. And I do mean WE - he's trying to trust me more and has been open to making changes where he can - after years of resistance & battling for control, he's trying.  All thanks to what I've learned from you and the changes that I've been encouraged and supported to make. We've both  come a long way in just a few shorts months.

I can't thank you guys enough.

R

“Such a great suggestion ...”

I just wanted to say thank you for the course and for the humility and grounded wisdom that you convey in your writings, blogs and videos. It has helped me enormously. When my partner comes home now I always greet him by looking him in the eyes and giving him a big hug, that was such a great suggestion.

Warmest of wishes and again thanks,

Deborah Allin 

“I don't feel like I'm crazy or foolish anymore for having hope and trying to work things out ...”

I just watched the video of Kim talking about how the pendulum has swung too far towards pressuring people to get divorced (instead of the traditional pressure to stay married). Thank you for saying that; it's such a relief. I have found myself acting codependent at some times and narcissistic at others, but either way, all of your advice is so helpful. As I said, it's such a relief to hear that leaving isn't the only option, from someone who actually knows what they are talking about. I don't feel like I'm crazy or foolish anymore for having hope and trying to work things out, and slowly but surely, things are getting better in all my relationships. I've never been the type to look at internet self help before, but when you hear true 

good advice that comes from pure motives, you can tell because your gut reacts; your soul feels lifted. When I find myself slipping into old bad habits I take a break and read one of your webpages or blog entries, and it gets me back into the right mind set. It's prevented me from making the same 

mistakes a few times now. I really appreciate your work!

Thank you for 

sharing your hard earned knowledge!

S

“I discovered that what my husband has said about me for years as far as my narcissistic and selfish traits go are absolutely true ...”

Kim and Steve, Every day I am more hopeful and (prayerful) that finding the Love Safety Net might possibly save my marriage.

We have been together for 14 years

and have four small children. 

Because my husband has a couple of mental diagnosis I slipped into a terrible habit of blaming him more and more for things that were going wrong in our lives... from the big to the small. Of course, I took credit for all the good things because naturally he couldn’t be responsible for anything good and only someone as great as I could be responsible for the good stuff!  Right? 

Well I discovered that what my husband has said about me for years as far as my narcissistic and selfish traits go are absolutely true. 

He would tell me this after seeing his psychiatrists and I would tell him he was crazy. After all he is the one with the "problems." What I have discovered is that his biggest problem was ME.  

You have the first resource

I have ever found that I identified with

and it was your website that first made me even open my mind to the fact

that I am the problem. I can never thank you enough!!!!!!!! Please keep us in your prayers. 

Tammi    

“Respect has become a vital part of our relationship ...”

Dear Kim & Steve, Before this year has gone, I wish to thank you both most sincerely for helping me save my marriage.

At the beginning of this year, all seemed hopeless and my husband and I had separated under very unpleasant circumstances.

Totally distressed and unable to make sense of my husband's behaviour, I stumbled upon your website 'by accident'. This, as well as your wonderful emails and podcasts helped me to gradually understand what had been going on in my marriage.

Nine months later, my husband and I are back together (and have been since May). We are both very happy and respect has become a vital part of our relationship. It has taken time and great patience to rebuild trust, but our friendship is stronger than ever and for the first time I feel he respects me for who I am.

Every day is a blessing, even though there is still work to be done.

We would not be together today if it were not for your wonderful website and

positive message. I am sure many people have already said this, but please

never doubt the good you both do.

God bless you and yours this Christmas!

Eleana Kerr

(Australia)

“He is suddenly flowing with loving kindness towards me. It's incredible! ...”

I have found your approach has changed my perspective entirely. I had identified that I was co-dependent, but all of your information about narcissistic personality traits and how they interact with co-dependents rang so true. And the result of the subtle changes in my attitude and all this reading and beginning this emotional work of my own? - he is suddenly flowing with loving kindness towards me. It's incredible!

I have a new faith in this relationship which I was basically ready to walk out on, until I realised that I would probably just do the same thing all over again and never understand why.

So, thank you for your writing and your research into this area - I have to say this is the only really practical information I have come across that makes sense - and really works!

Best wishes,

Elaine

“We have more than our money's worth of value from these texts ...”

Dear Kim and Steve - You are generous beyond compare and great to have as confidantes.

We have both books, and would enjoy your offer, but it isn't necessary. We have more than our money's worth of value from these texts.

Thanks and keep up the work, it's a great help.

Saindon

“I went from despair and hatred to a peaceful pleasant person and my husband from being a miserable, mean, angry person with major problems with alcohol addiction to someone who now is pleasant to me most of the time, not yelling and swearing at me and seems genuinely happier ...”

Dear Steve,

I have been reading Kim's books for 2 weeks now and what a difference in my life! No more huge fights,my husband has really responded to the changes in me, so much so that as of tomorrow he is going to go on the "Seven Weeks To Sobriety" program as that site you mentioned - healthrecovery was indeed a very helpful site - it turns out I already had that book as well! This is entirely his decision and I feel I owe you and Kim a big THANK YOU! The information in your books has helped me to work on being someone my husband could trust and rely on - I went from despair and hatred to a peaceful pleasant person (of course I will always be working on that) and my husband went from being a miserable, mean, angry person who had major problems with alcohol addiction to someone who now is pleasant to me most of the time, not yelling and swearing at me and seems genuinely happier.

I am no longer trying to make him quit drinking and have accepted things as a fact he may never quit but now I can deal with things with love and kindness. I have seen many counsellors, ministers,women's outreach etc. (mostly the advice has been to leave my husband) over the last 35 years and no one has ever come close to helping as much as these last 2 weeks of trying to put into practice the advice in Kim's books! I'm struggling to put into words how this has changed me - I just hope that you can understand how much less stress I feel. I'm sure I will be writing back from time to time to update you guys

Thanks - sincerely

Sharlane

“You have comforted me so many times when I have been lonely sad and felt unsupported and beside myself with worry ...”

Dear Kim,

Thank you for being the person you are! I have been accessing your information for about 3 years now and knew that the information that u share was special straight away.

I have spent a lot of time and effort educating myself. You have comforted me so many times when I have been lonely sad and felt unsupported and beside myself with worry.

I am codependent and I have been working on me with a lovely lady Louise Donovan for three years and have just recently left her. I have been on some journey. But u helped me understand the dynamics of co dependent relationships like no other recourse as I was feeling and thinking along the same lines but couldn't find the information that backed me up. It is never my turn with my partner and that is why I am compelled to say thanks to you for your courage to do what you have.

You are a truly amazing mother, wife and a role model to women like me. I have not purchased any of your courses but will be in the future as now I will use the money I save from counseling to do that. I appreciate you offering discounts and could not imagine how much effort u have put in over the years as half the time I feel just depressed and not understood.

I am sure you will be blessed.

Thank you again,

Tracy

“I read one of the emails you sent me yesterday, and just that alone helped me to understand a great deal already of what i'm dealing with and what I'm going thru ... ”

Hello Kim and Good Morning to you!

Thank you so much for replying so fast to my email... YOU ARE SO APPRICATED.....

I know your workbook is going to help me so much in learning the skills and boundries i need to set up for my self regarding the relationship i'm in. I read one of the emails you sent me yesterday, and just on that alone, it helped me to understand a great deal already of what i'm dealing with and what i'm going thru and to think differently and have a better approach and understanding with my partner and the relationship... in just a few days alone, since i wrote and surcrisbed to your support/email list and the feedback i have gotten from you and the site has already helped me out a great deal.. I'm so Thankful that i found your site and all the help you have sent me alone with the newsletter's. I am truly greatful to you and your site... Again thank you so much you are helping many other's and me alone a great deal..

May God Bless you for all that

your doing thru your site ...

Misheal

“I feel the first sense of peace I have felt in a very long time ...”

Dear Kim,

I just wanted to let you know that I have only just discovered your site and read the first few pages of the e-book Back from the Looking Glass. I am at a place in my life where I thought there was no hope. I used to be strong. Every time there is an episode it is worse and I feel as if there is less hope; even to the point of being suicidal.

After reading JUST the first few pages I know you are onto something. I know it like a truth so deep I cannot even put it into words. Already, there is a huge weight off of me. A few minutes ago taking a shower felt impossible. The reason I am so sure is that through all of this with my husband WHO I KNOW LOVES ME, I knew that somewhere the wires had gotten crossed in his childhood. I think that his mother may even have molested him. I think that there are some things that are buried very deep. And, I felt this at a gut level before I ever found you.

I also knew that part of what had attracted me to him was how I was with my 3 awesome children. He was looking for what he never got and was robbed of what every child deserves. Little did we know that he would (and that I would allow him) to drive the very thing that he coveted out of me, while simultaneously destroying and taking that woman from her children as well.

I don't know where your book will lead this family, but I know that it will be to someplace better than we are. What you gave me today was a powerful message that I am not crazy or self-loathing because I love my husband. I thought there was something wrong with me that I somehow liked being treated badly and that I was deeply emotionally ill for loving someone who on the surface can't love me back. It was a horrible conflict of heart and mind and I feel the first sense of peace I have felt in a very long time.

Tricia

“I swear to God you saved my life ...”

I am in San Diego, California.

You guys may have saved my life. I got so broken. Physically. Accidents. Seizures. Left 11-12 times last year starting the day after he won the big election he couldn't have without our family picture and the family man status.

But oh my God.

Kim is a hero and so are you for going public. I swear to god you saved my life. Thanks for taking the time and my best,

Cindy Black

“I am 180 degrees recovered and doing well thank you ...”

i bought ALL ur books and after having and reading all of Vankins stuff was ready for and planning on suicide but now

i am 180 degrees recovered and doing well thank u

allan rosenbaum

“I appreciate both or your perspectives. It is amazingly refreshing...”

Thank you for the continued encouragement by your consistent newsletters and the direction to stand up in the right way. That is

effective and I am looking forward to learning more. I appreciate both or your perspectives. It is amazingly refreshing.

“All of this is far more effective than the many voluminous self-help books out there.

All good to you! ...”

Steve, please (you and Kim) quote what I said about the value of your ebooks, if that would help you respond when novices suggest that more pages would give them more value. No way! More verbiage just gets in the way. Getting your experiential advise, learning the 'ropes', letting the new knowledge sink in until a 'critical mass' of insight and empowerment accumulates and doing the exercises you suggest - all of this is far more effective than the many voluminous self-help books out there. All good to you!

Kate RH

Comment by Kate Reese Hurd,

“Things are more civil here ...”

Hi, I did buy back from the looking glass and your workbook. I am reading it now and

already started some changes, and things are more civil here. Thank you

Mimi Johnson

“If it wasn't for you I would not have much hope ...”

Hi Kim.... I love your work. Thank you so much for offering to us. If it wasn't for you I would not have much hope that there would be a marriage left for my husband and I.

Missi

“May God bless YOU... your efforts ... and your results ...”

Thank for all your hard work.....putting this information out.....and getting in print. I am learning a great deal from your efforts....and when I "apply it" in my life....it's working incredibly!!

At times I get a little "lost"...but through your books, shared experiences and recommended reading/listening...all of these things are helping me to find my way back so that I can gain control of my life. It's creating an new awareness and providing me with the tools for learning "Emotional

Intelligence".

Seeing my world from a new angle...and Loving it!! Feeling like I'm a success...not a failure.

Can't thank you enough!!

May God Bless YOU...your efforts....and your results....

Annie

CO

“Kim and Steven’s work is fantastic and life changing. Even if a marriage still fails, it will fail more gently than what happens currently ...”

As a Health and Safety Practitioner, I feel that my opinion on preventing one of the leading causes of death amongst women in our society, at their own hand or during a row with their husband/partner

is absolutely essential. Dysfunctional relationships caused or exacerbated by narcissism are a leading cause of misery in society today, and are linked with emotional immaturity on both sides of the male female connection.

We owe it to the next generation, now that we have so much more knowledge, to put this wisdom to work.

I ended up leaving my narcissistic husband in 1997, putting my children through a great deal of pain, because I didn't have the benefit Kim and Stevens materials. With that help, I may have been able to save our marriage. We tried the usual interventions, but the marriage guidance counsellors had no idea what was going on and told me that my only choice was to end the marriage to save my own sanity.

Please allow this brilliant work to be made available to more women, to prevent the misery of divorce for their children, and the cost to the family and society in general.

Whatever we are doing isn't working at the moment, Kim and Stevens work is fantastic and life changing. Even if a marriage still fails, it will fail more gently than what happens currently.

Simone Plaut, London, UK.

Simone Plaut MSc CMIOSH

“I will continue to refer people to you! ...”

It's because of being with a narcisissit and finding your site that I am now currently getting my degree in Psychology!!!

I recently referred a friend of mine to your site and she bought your co-dependency book. Her boyfriend is now going to councelling and they are doing a lot better! I will continue to refer people to you!

Robyn

“Without your book, I KNOW that I would not have been able to initiate the changes that needed to happen for us to both be the adults we could really be ...

1. -Our kids thank you for it.
   

2. -My family thanks you for it.
   

3. -My friends thank you for it ...”
   

4. 
   

I work for a non governmental organisation in New Zealand, we specialise in addictions and family support. I am professionally very successful in my field and mother to 2 children and step mother to my partners daughter also.

To other people I look like I have it all sorted: the likeable successful guy, the great job and nice kids. But I also knew the odds were stacked against us being a permanent family as the failure rate of blended families is very high (60% in NZ).

I don't think I need to go into great detail on my partners behaviour - On reading your book I thought he might even be related to your Steve, such were the similarities.. the fantasies, the lies, the ego-seeking behaviour, problems with money/porn/other women being led on, the bullying and threatening me. And this guy is a Rescue Helicopter Paramedic, it defied my understanding that he had two such VERY different sides!! I used to called him Jekyll and Hyde ...

We have been to counselling (individual and couple and even a tripartite set of sessions with his ex-wife!) - I have read all the 'classic' books on relationship building (Men are from Mars, You Can heal Your Life, the list goes on and on and on..) etc. On reading your book "Through the Looking Glass" I FINALLY found a perspective that acknowldeged the conflicting parts of such a dysfunctional relationship. (That leaving is not an option,that my codependency was as much a part of the equation as his narcissism etc).

That was over 2 years ago. We are a vastly different couple now. Even he cannot believe how different we are to each other. I truly thought I was going to be stuck with a "man-child" for the rest of my life, and I would be just a shadow.. doing the 'right' things but merely existing, nothing more. I saw my mother do this... I know how it goes....

Without your book, I KNOW that I would not have been able to initiate the changes that needed to happen for us to both be the adults we could really be.

- Our kids thank you for it. (They have the family that they love)

- My family thanks you for it. (They can see their aspirations for me to succeed in life are met)

- My friends thank you for it. (My relationship no longer dominates my every waking thought - I am no longer a walking zombie!) My partner thanks you for it - He found your book under our bed 2 months ago and was so interested he read it!! He didn't feel betrayed/upset that I looked for help to have a loving a connected functional relationship with him.

Incidentally, I only received your book because I emailed you through your website and I said that I couldn't put it on our credit card as he controlled all spending....

You gifted the book to me.

Without your generosity and altruism, well, none of this would have been possible.

Since things are better now and I have my own financial independence, I have recently gone on to order 2 of your other books and when I have worked through those and the challenges they set for my growth and development, I'll no doubt order the next one that looks useful to me.

With all my thanks,

Lisa Lawrence - 2IC

“Fixing my co dependence, fixed up my life with everyone around ...”

Hi and Thanks!

Reading through your books on co dependence and narcissism were truly wonderful and it really help understand myself and my situation. I worked from the books and helped correct my situation. Hope this testimonial can help further your cause in support of correcting peoples situation and showing them the right path.

Fixing my co dependence, fixed up my life with everyone around.

Cheers,

Anju

“Thank you for the support ...”

Hi Kim! I have purchased back from the looking glass and the love safety net workbook. Me and my girlfriend are using these to deal with my narcissism.

It has been very helpful for us. Thank you for the support.

Kind Regards,

Johan

“Your site is a mircale in my life ...”

Thanks you so much for your emails. I have no intention of ever unsubscribing. Your site is literaly a much needed miracle in my life.

Thank you

Loretta

“THANK YOU for the unique way your material is presented ...”

THANK YOU for the unique way your material is presented with respect and sensitivity to the difficult world we live in.

Hope you hang in there too,

Josie

“The difference in me is making a difference in my husband's behaviour ...”

I love the videos and the information that you send in emails to me.  Thank you so much and please keep them coming.  They are a marriage saver and are helping me take control back of my life and giving me the tools I need to make my marriage improve.  The difference in me is making a difference in my husband's behaviour towards me. Thank you so much! 

The flip side of the coin of codependence is sometimes described as narcissism or narcissistic personality disorder and codependent and narcissistic people often pair up in relationships ...

Does this Sound Like You?

Codependence Checklist

1. •You need help to ‘cheer up’ and feel better after setbacks and disappointments.

1. •You complain a lot and expect others to take the lead in improving your life.

1. •You often obsess about your relationship.

1. •You blame your addictions on the abusive behavior of others.

1. •You are addicted to alcohol, tobacco and/or prescription medication and drugs.

1. •You are often at the mercy of your moods and emotions.

1. •You have (in the past) expected untrustworthy people to be kind and play fair.

1. •You have a hard time knowing how to handle disrespect and put downs.

1. •You need the approval of others to feel good about yourself and to move forward with your goals and plans.

1. •You take a long time to calm down after becoming upset.

1. • You believe someone guessing your needs is a sign of love.

1. • You suffer from a long standing illness and may have become sick because you are not getting the love and care you need.

1. • You feel responsible for other people’s feelings and feel you must ‘cheer up’ the people around you when they are unhappy or upset.

Do you put your very best into your relationship - but still end up hurt and disappointed? If so you may have learned patterns of behavior psychologists call ‘codependent’. Simply put, this means growing up you were taught that keeping everyone happy and ‘keeping the peace’ was more important than standing up for yourself or working on your own goals.

You Keep the Peace - But at What Cost?

If You Had 3 Wishes What Would They Be?

Do you remember as a child ever wondering if you had 3 wishes what the best things to wish for might be?

If you were like me, you might have wished for a hundred more wishes!

But what if you really only had 3?

If you’ve seen the movie “Bedazzled” you may have laughed while realizing that knowing what to wish for can be tough! For instance, what if you got a job that paid a million a year, but you had to travel without your family so it led to divorce? Or you wished to have money without having to work but that only led you to becoming an alcoholic?

Many studies of lottery winners show that having more money rarely improves a person’s success or happiness in life.

Likewise, when I was a kid the experts believed IQ tests would be the holy grail they had searched for to predict success in life, but soon they found out they were wrong; intelligent people are sometimes successful but just as often end up underachievers, social misfits and outcasts.

Now we know what success is (so that isn’t the problem); the indicators include how nice a house you live in and whether your neighborhood is peaceful and safe, whether your marriage is stable, how much money you make and whether your children do well at school (and whether they stay married or divorce). There are many more success indictors too - including the incidence of suicide in your family and your emotional stability and mental health.

~ The problem is that very few factors will improve a person’s success across all of the above indicators ...

These “magic bullets” for success get top priority in our Gap Finder exercise at the end of our Love Safety Net Workbook - and even if you have never heard of these skills, working on them will do more than anything to improve your overall success in life.

These skills come under the heading ‘emotional competencies’ and unlike intelligence (which you cannot change), the good news is they include habits you can work on improving at almost any age.

Love and affection are such primary human needs that babies raised in orphanages, deprived of nothing except touch, will die from lack of affection, regardless of the food, warmth and shelter provided them.

Whether it be the bad teeth (or bad reputation) of older men, or the anxiety of youth and middle age - many sad, lonely people will one day find themselves clinging to the memory of a kind look or some fleeting touch of skin, as a rare but long treasured memory.

Most of the work Steve and I do centers on couples in crises, but it struck me recently when a couple is fighting how hard it can be to get them to look at the basics of what really makes a relationship work.

Couples tend to be so focused on changing their partner (to get them to love and treat them better) that they miss the basics of attraction and attachment missing in their own life.

This especially may be true if the relationship is over and a person is thinking, “What’s the point, he/she is gone and never coming back, there is nothing left for me to do.”

As bad as the end of a relationship may be (and whether there is hope or not) if you don’t stop and look at the basics, the sad fact is one day you may wake up old and alone with no one left to blame but yourself.

So in our best seller, “The Love Safety Net Workbook”, as well as offering strategies to limit put downs and abuse, Steve and I also share the most powerful findings on attraction and attachment to help you develop healthy habits to build true and lasting relationships that will stand the test of time.

Because our need for love is so vital, if we feel love is being denied, we may naturally start making demands on our partner or family. This rarely works however and many people live for years lonely and without love, especially in middle age and the later years of their life.

Overcoming your codependence does not mean you need to give up on the idea of ever being deeply loved (as some psychologists wrongly believe). It really means  overcoming your emotional dependence which will see you become a victim of your own and other people’s emotions.

however research now shows there are a few!

1. •You long for a hero or saviour.

Do You Worry “Maybe I am Just not Good Enough?”

1. •Has your marriage become abusive?
   

Learn the 13 steps I took that turned my marriage around ...

1. •Do you understand your emotions?
   

Get started today on the skills you need to create a great marriage ...

1. •Are You Ready to Take Charge of Your Own Happiness?
   

Recognize and overcome your codependence ...

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